11 months and four days

It has been 11 months and four days since I lost my Queen.

Emotionally I'm doing better, inch by inch and day by day. I still can be very sad because the process of grieving is not a steady upward path, it is more like a ball of yarn. And I never know what thread I will put on a given day.

I can also say I'm on the cusp of moving into my new normal and beginning to live productively and with vision.

But I miss her so very much.

I miss her smile and her laugh.

I miss her energy and enthusiasm.

I miss her bustling around the house.

I miss the sound of her talking on the phone.

I miss the way we were so very different from each other.

I miss her nagging me about my eating habits.

I miss her arthritic hands which bothered her but never bothered me.

I miss the sight of her knitting.

I miss making an omelet for us in the morning.

I miss chatting.

I miss her taking a nap in the passenger seat while I drive.

I miss her persistence.

I miss her friendliness.

I miss her inviting more people over than I would prefer.

I miss everything about her, even her imperfections.

But I press on.

Subtle changes

My time with old friends in Manitoba has me thinking about something.

The Faye of the last few years is, in very subtle ways, not quite the same Faye those people who knew her a dozen years ago.  I'm saying this very carefully and with a heart full of love for my Faye.

Her incredible energy was still there but it had now become infused with a measure of stress she didn't once have. Our distance from church made it hard for Faye to play the hostess role that she loved so much and it made hard for her to have the impact on our church that she had on Seine River Church in Lorette.

Our friends here did see how amazingly friendly and energetic she was--no question. But they didn't quite get to see her reaching out to the community to persistently speak into the lives of people, the way she once. Close, but not quite.

And in recent years there was an element of stress that wasn't there at one time. And all the coaching she was getting had her somehow with the impression she wasn't good enough as she was.

She was an amazing person. I told her that at every opportunity. Somehow she was in a place where she was trying to be different.

Having said I have deeply fond memories of her.

And I press on.

Down memory lane

Over this last weekend I had the privilege of attending a retirement celebration for Ed and Jesse Hildebrand, who were stepping down from the pastorate after 17 years I believe.

Faye and I were there from the beginning. It was a blessed event as Ed and Jesse were thanked for there service and various people reflected on their ministry.

It was a sad even as I met people who loved Faye but haven't had the opportunity to talk with me since she died. All in all it was a deeply emotional weekend for me.

Several people fondly recalled Faye's friendly persistence in inviting people to church. She was relentless in loving pursuit. The thing is nobody was over the long term offended with her doggedness. Her love, her sincerity and the goodness of her heart was visible on her face. And even if they wanted her to back off, they couldn't take offence.

She had an immense impact on building of that congregation.

Sadly proud I was.

And I press on.

Broken flesh

Marriage, biblical marriage, is two people becoming one flesh.

My place in my marriage to Faye was to treat her with the respect and love I have for my own body because we were from the biblical perspective one flesh. We were one. And marriage is not a triviality. It is a sacred and holy union.

When Faye died my flesh was torn. Part of me, literally part of me, was ripped away. And something sacred in the eyes of God came to an end.

I am still bleeding but I press on.

Grief flu

I've had a cough ever since I got back from Uganda November 15. I start to feel better, only to start coughing again and have that fatigue and malaise that comes with a cold or the flu.

That seems to describe grief journey very well. In fact I think I might just call it the grief flu. I start to feeling better only to come down with that same old malaise.

Yet I press on.

Fulfilling my trust

In a post last week I wrote about Faye's trust that I would get us safely home through the storm.

She trusted me on those stormy roads but I wasn't able to protect that terrible morning of January 17. And that reality has troubled me.

Later in the week, however, the Lord--speaking to me in the way He speaks to me--brought comfort to my still aching heart.

He let me know that I fulfilled my trust. I brought my Faye safely home. She made it safely through her journey.

I've taken comfort to know I fulfilled my love trust. I carried out my responsibility.

Pressing on.

Fond memory

Something I will long remember about my Faye is her beautiful smile.

Her smile was beautiful, not because of anything to do with her teeth, but because it came from her heart and involved her entire face. It was deeply and genuinely sincere like pretty much every about her.

Was Faye perfect? No. But she was something I've always said she was--a woman without guile or pretence.

Missing her but pressing on.

Snowy roads

The roads were snowy and quite bad as I drove home late last night. It got me to thinking about Faye, almost everything does of course.

Whenever we had to get home on a stormy night Faye would just put her seat back and take a nap, after asking me if I would like her to stay awake and chat while I drove us through the storm. I almost always told her to go ahead and get her sleep.

The thing is Faye trusted me to get us home safely. I will always remember that. She was also one who was able to sleep in almost any circumstance.

The other thing is I felt I had a precious cargo in my sleeping Faye. There was no way I wouldn't keep her safe.

That last dreadful morning I would have anything to protect her. I would have taken a bullet for her without a second thought but I was unable to do anything for her.

Pressing on my friends.

I admit it

I'm lost without Faye. The emotional pain has eased significantly but my life remains in disarray. The house is a mess. I struggle with focus and lowered ambition.

I will recover. Of this I am confident, but the fight remains a difficult one.

Having said that, I press on.

Euphemisms, I don't like them

I find the great majority of people talk about their loved one's passing away. When I talk about the horrible thing that happened on Jan. 17, I say Faye died that day.

Look, I understand why people say passed away. The use of the words death, dead and dying seem harsh, don't they?

The very fact that it's harder to speak of death, rather than passing away is why I speak that way.  I will never see the person I loved most in this world again, this side of heaven. It's uncomfortable for me to speak about that but it is reality. The word for that reality is dead.

Sometimes I do say she passed away, mostly out of sensitivity to the feelings of others. More often I say I lost her. But I have to, I absolutely have to, deal with the reality of my new life. And that, to me means being blunt about the words I use.

I apologize if the words referring directly to death trouble you. But it's important to me, and to my ongoing healing, to be bluntly honest about my reality.

Having said that I do say Faye went to be with her Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Because that is also the truth. And it's a reality I am thankful for.

Pressing on in truth.

Silver anniversary

Today would have been our 25th anniversary.

I am saddened to not be celebrating with my Faye. But something seems to have shifted. I still miss her desperately but the darkness of grief seems to have lightened--just a bit--but it has lightened. And so my sadness on this day is not as sharp as I might have expected.

I am, however, genuinely thankful for 24 good years with a beautiful, godly woman. God was good in bringing Faye into my life.

So I am grateful. And I am pressing on.

What would I do?

What would I do to have Faye back?

Look, I miss her badly. I miss her energy, her work ethic, her laugh, her friendliness and her enthusiasm. My life is still a mess. But what I do to have her back?

Honestly, as much as I would like her here with me, she's run her race. And she's earned her reward and the toughest part--the dying part--is over and done with.

So no, there's no wishing her back. It's done. She doesn't need to go through it again.

I will see her some day.

Back Home

I'm back after two weeks in Africa and a bout of pretty nasty jet lag compounded on a cold.

I have this unsettling feeling that I'm back into my house but, honestly, I'm not sure I can say I'm back home.

You see Faye made this building home. Without Faye I really can't confidently say that this home. It's just where I live.

That will change. It has to change but it's part of this volatile journey called grieving.

Life Is War--see below

Thank you

To those who comment on the blog. It is appreciated. I try to respond on the blog but for some reason my responses don't publish. I don't know why. I will attend to it when I have more time.

Fighting for joy

I was asked yesterday how I'm doing. It was a sincere question from somebody who cares and wanted to know. If I felt he was probably just being polite I would have said something along the lines of being okay. In other words I would just provide an answer. If I felt the question was sincere but I wasn't sure if I wanted to get into it in any particular depth I would have answered with something along the lines of okayish or "I'm doing relatively well."

Both answers are honest but they are limited.

The answer which came spontaneously was "I'm fighting for joy." That answer was absolutely honest.

Truth is I'm in a fight. I'm still in a hard place 91/2 months after Faye's death. Joy is a fight for me.

I have complete faith I will, in God's grace, and with his help and the help of friends, I will know full joy again. I will win. I know that.

But, in reality, all of us are in a fight for joy. Life is hard at times. We need to battle for joy. The fight is worth it.

Press on.

A ball of yarn

There is nothing, absolutely nothing, linear about the grief process. It can far better be compared to a tangled of ball of yarn--this emotion snarled about with that emotion and no predictability about which emotion will rise up next.

The emotion I'm picking out of that ball of yarn at this moment is an intense impatience. I am impatient with the process. I'm tired of it. Even as I fully understand that this is a long, tiring process, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the lack of focus and the lack of clarity regarding my future. Things will change but I'm impatient.

I'm also impatient--to the edge of irritability--with people and circumstances that I find annoying, or which don't serve me, or serve what I believe to be God's purposes for me.

I don't necessarily like what I see but so be it.

And I press on.

Questions

In my GriefShare group yesterday we talked about questions--or asking why, with the focus for most being asking why of God.

At this point in my healing journey I can honestly say I feel no inclination to rage out questions at God. I have complete trust in His sovereignty, love and goodness. And I honestly don't believe I have the wisdom to understand all the threads that make up my life and made up Faye's life to understand the why.

I have chosen to trust God--period. My lack of Godward questions may change. This journey is nothing if not weird and unpredictable.

What I do have questions about is the down to earth questions about how someone as energetic and full of life and concern for health and apparently healthy as Faye could be taken away so quickly and suddenly. It still doesn't make sense to me.

The autopsy showed a blockage in a coronary artery so she obviously as we thought but I still don't know exactly happened. Could we have done something? (I'm not suffering from guilt. Faye did the best with what she knew, and so did I, so please don't worry about that.)

I actually share Faye's interest in health, that's part of why I raise these questions.

What happened.

Pressing on.

Going meta again

It's interesting, in a strange way, to watch what's happening with my ever volatile emotions.

Right now--Oct. 15, 2018--almost nine months since the day Faye died my emotional state is a new one.

I'm feeling incredibly restless with my life. And I am irritable--considerably more irritable than has been normal for me.

That means this is a particularly dangerous time to make significant changes because I could easily make a bad decision.

So--patience--press into my grief and loneliness and press on.

Arguments

The last few days I've been thinking about the times Faye and I argued. We didn't argue a lot but we did have a few.

Faye was a lot more outspoken than I am. I have a tendency to hold things in. She tended to let me know when she was upset with me. She was also more stubborn than me so I don't think I ever won an argument. :)

I class this with fond memories.

This volatile journey

Today--almost nine months in to my life without Faye--I find I'm missing her more than every.

In many ways I feel better than I did a few months but I miss having her in my life desperately. And that even applies to those many areas in which our personalities clashed and I found her slightly annoying. :)

Just when I think I'm doing really well I find the wound of grief had just scabbed over. But probing that wound is, I am convinced, part of the process, which will bring genuine deep healing.

And so I press on.

This journey is exhausting

My emotions are more tender today than they have been in months. I blame this on a couple of things.

I'm convinced the way I've eaten in the last couple of days has played a part. Bad eating has weakened me physically and mentally and left me prone to sadness. I firmly believe that.

The other thing is Thanksgiving dinner. I was invited to join friends for Thanksgiving. I am very appreciate of the love and I have no regrets about going. I will accept any invitation extended in friendship. It is part of healing.

Having said that, however,  the dinner had me desperately missing my Faye. I could hear her laughing and chatting and bustling about the kitchen helping, without being asked to help because that's who she was. I can also hear her volunteering me to help with something. :)

And then I can hear us chatting on the way home until she pulled out her bone pillow for a nap.

This journey is so desperately convoluted and tiring.

But I press on.

Thanksgiving

I'm thankful that I had 24 good years with an imperfect but beautiful woman. Faye was a treasure to me our hearts truly knitted together and I miss her desperately.

But I am thankful, in fact, that I miss her. I'm not thankful she's gone. What I'm thankful for is that we loved each other and that our hearts knit together. That means that my heart was ripped in half when she died and that I miss her.

In all of that, however, I'm grateful that we loved each other. And that our love guaranteed grief would occur some time. The grief I still feel is the fruit of genuine love. And it is worth it. Really I would not trade those years together for no grief today.

I Will Rise, Sara Petite, 10th Annual Gram Parsons InterNational Nashville--yes I will rise

Flashbacks

It's almost nine months since I lost my Queen. I'm doing a lot better than I was a couple of months ago but I've been fighting flashbacks again of late.

I keep on replaying the last five or six days of Faye's life on this earth. Recently I've been replaying those six days when she was at home battling the flu.

This, indeed, is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I will conquer this mountain. And I know God is with me. But this is a long, hard, unpredictable journey.

Pressing on.

Goals and dreams

In the weeks immediately after Faye died I was deeply sad about how frustrated she was about the development of her business.

She worked so hard. She loved her business. She was genuinely coachable and open to direction. (She received direction from too many people, I believe, but that's another discussion.) She was sincere, truthful and earnest.

And yet, for all that, she could not get people to come on board with her or to buy the alkalizing water machine she sold.

So she was frustrated. And she made little progress toward a variety of goals she was pursuing.

When she suddenly died unfulfilled I was sad for her.

But I know, and God affirmed this many times, her life is now fulfilled in the presence of Christ and she is drinking the sweetest water has ever.

Missing her deeply but pressing on into my new life.

Each situation is unique

Every grieving experience is unique. It might be a slight exaggeration to say each experience is as unique as a snowflake but not very.

Every relationship broken by death is different--the loss of a parent has a different impact from the loss of a spouse--just as heartbreaking but different. The loss of a spouse is different than the loss of a child, which is different than the loss of a sibling, which is different from the loss of a friend.

Each one of the losses is devastating; each one is unique.

Further every person suffering through grief is different. For example I've gained weight since Faye died--for a variety of reasons. If it had been reversed I have absolutely no doubt Faye, as slender as she was, would have lost weight.

I've struggled regaining focus, ambition and my work ethic. Faye would have hidden herself in non-stop. Again, I have no doubt about that.

Some people can't stop weeping. I haven't shed a huge number of tears in the last 8 1/2 months. I express grief through words--my pain and loss are no less than that of people who respond tears. It's different.

The faith or lack of faith of an individual impacts grief. Financial circumstances impact it. The way a particular person grieves is also affected the way a couple shared household roles.

The point is that people cannot be judged for the way they respond as individuals. There are far too many factors at play.

Love, support and be available to the grieving people in your life.

Who knew

Over the last few days I've been thinking a lot about Thursday, Jan. 11. That evening Faye came home from a busy day saying she did not feel well at all.

Who knew that would be the last day of work she would put in?

Who knew she would never leave the house again?

Who knew should never feel energetic or healthy again, this side of heaven?

Who knew we would never share a meal together again?

Who knew she would never go to church with me again?

Life is precious and short. Live it well.

An example

Faye was a worker with the heart of a servant. She loved serving needs.

If something needed doing in church she was at the front of the line--always. She was forever bustling about in the kitchen doing whatever needed to be done. And she was more than happy doing that. Helping made her happy.

I don't that gift or that personality but she was a true example.

Missed by many.

Meta post

This is not actually a meta post. I want to write about meta cognition, which can be roughly translated into looking at my thinking from the outside, or thinking about my thinking. If my by any chance anybody reads this don't worry this doesn't mean I'm stuck in anything. All of this relates to thoughts I've had previously about the ways I've changed.

I've noticed of late a tendency to stand outside looking in on various activities. To some degree that's about being an introvert because introverts are good observers. But it has changed and is a little stronger.

It certainly is a symptom of ongoing grief. It's also part of a serious uncertainty about my future and what I want in life and where I'm going to next. My life has changed--absolutely. I'm not just a victim of the sudden death of someone I loved. I'm a healthy man with a future. I'm not absolutely sure what that future will be so I find myself standing on the fringes and observing and thinking and praying.

Having said all that I genuinely understand the need to engage. I am, in some things, and I'm hesitating in others. It won't last forever.

I've also noticed I've become a bit of a jerk. I'm saying that tongue in cheek. I hope others see it the same way but to a significant degree I don't care.

I have virtually no patience with conversations and activities that don't serve me--that don't help me heal, or find joy, or get happier and more productive. So, maaaybe I can seem kind of pissed off at times, or maybe just a little abrupt. I honestly believe my heart is more tender than it was. I honestly don't believe I'm lack compassion but I do--and will--walk away from conversations that don't serve. Please don't be offended.

Faye was always the one who would say no to food that wasn't part of her/our nutritional plan. I was always the one who was too nice to say no. It seems I'm not as nice as I used to be. I will say no to food that doesn't make me mentally, physically, and emotionally stronger.

I've always said the physical first and then the spiritual. I've got to take care of the temple.

Pressing on--please bear with me.

Mark Knopfler - Storybook Love (The Princess Bride Theme Song) Makes me remember

Chris Tomlin - Come Thou Fount (I Will Sing) (Audio)

Come Thou Fount

Oh to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be
Let Thy goodness like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above

The incredible volatility of grief recovery reminds me of these lines from the great hymn Come Thou Fount by Robert Robinson.

My life over the last eight months has made me very aware of my desperate need for God's grace, not only for salvation, but for perseverance. My heart truly is prone to wandering. One day my emotions are strong and healthy, the next day weak and despondent.

I can't make it on the basis of my willpower alone. I can't I'm not strong enough, or good enough, or wise enough. I need the power, love and grace of God every day.

So I ask Him to bind my wandering heart to Him.

Jamie Wilson - "Wayfaring Stranger" (Steamboat Music Fest)

Southern Gospel Revival: Jamie Wilson - I Can't Even Walk

Fond memories

I was thinking fondly of Faye today. Specifically I recalled her love for boards games. She loved board games. It always made her happy when I agreed to spend some time playing a game with her. And she never failed to ask guests if they would like to play a game of dominoes with us.

She was also good. I would complain, with a smile, that she always won. She didn't but she was better at most games than me. I would also tell guests the house rule was that Faye wins.

An evening of game playing was one way I could get her to relax and enjoy herself for an evening. I called her my queen but she was no princess--there was nothing particularly complicated about Faye--sweet innocence and enthusiasm.

Bad days

The up and down nature of grief recovery is wearing on me. It's tiring.

The last couple of days I've been dealing with something akin to despair. Calling it despair is a little on the extreme side but I'm hurting.

And it has to do with the disorder in my life and the failure to develop my business since Faye died.

However strong I am. And however real God has been my emotions are distinctly more fragile than they once were.

But despair or no despair I will press on.

Another low point

Even as my recovery is proceeding as it should this volatile journey I'm on has hit another low point. This time it was prompted by a business disappointment.

It's pretty much the time of disappointment that happens all the time in business but my ability to take in stride has definitely been severely hurt by grief and Faye's absence. In all honesty she wasn't always the best and giving me healthy feedback when I experienced a setback. But she was here. And she loved me and I could hug her when that was necessary. So I don't have the resources I once had.

The disappointment is also aggravated by the fact I'm upset with and lashing myself.

So count reduced reliance as one more aspect of grief.

The observer's chair

It's interesting to look at this journey of grief and healing from the outside looking in. I never know what emotions I might experience on a given day.

Today I'm beating myself up for how my life has been drifting. I firmly believe God has good things in store for me but today I'm down on myself for letting myself gain weight, for my lack of focus, my continuing low level of productive activity and for letting my business slip.

I'm tempted to say I suck. I'm not there and I'm doing that but I do feel unhappy with myself for where my life is at today.

But I will press on.

Honest reflections

I've noticed people tend not to read the blog unless I post onto Facebook. And that's fine, there are times when it's just as well nobody reads it, because it allows me to post honestly but relatively privately. (I know, no blog post is actually private.)

Here are some things I'm noticing as I continue this up and down journey of healing.

Faye used to get on my nerves with her obsession with weight and eating but, as annoying as that was, it kept me on track with my eating. I need to emphasize the fact that over the last few years we have been on the same page in terms of nutrition. I am completely satisfied with following the WildFit regime, which could be called paleo, or hunter-gatherer, or evolutionary, or cyclical ketogenic. But Faye was my conscience. It irritated me to no end but I miss it. And I am tired of getting fatter. In fact I'm embarrassed about my weight gain so losing Faye.

A sense of restlessness or being unsettle continues to grow. I am getting ready for the next phase of my life. I still don't know what that will look like but I'm waiting for it.

The dumbasses in my life, and there are one or two, irritate me more than ever before. On the other hand there's no question I value a few friends more than ever.

I feel an almost desperate need to expand, or even change, my social circle. I honestly don't feel like I fit into my old social circle well. Changes need to be made.

The disorder in my life needs to end. It is part and parcel of grieving so I'm not beating myself up about that but I need to start--step by step--building order in my life.

I've been living off investments. I'm restless in terms of business and finances. I need to start building a business again.

I'm not retired--not even close, even if I was entirely comfortable with my financial situation. (It really isn't bad but I can, and will, make it better.

I'm restless to get productive.

Pressing on.

Jesus is better

Jesus is the pearl of great price described in the parables of the Bible--the pearl that led the man who found it to sell all that he had so that he might possess this one pearl.

To see Jesus in all His beauty is to treasure Him. To treasure Him, truly, for who He is, is to give up everything else for the value of having Jesus.

To see Him as the Great Treasure of life is to see our need and leads to repentance.

To see Him as the Pearl of infinite beauty is to know that nothing else compares. And to know, that Jesus is better.

Money is important. Jesus is better.

Health is important. Jesus is better.

Food is a good thing, Jesus is better and so we can fast from time to time.

I've pondering this thing--looking as deeply within my heart as I can.

Faye was my Queen. She was God's greatest gift to me in this life. I treasured her and I miss her deeply.

Can I, in my moments of silence, say, with absolute certainty, that Jesus is better? That is a hard question--brutally hard but I believe I have to search my heart for the answer.

I think, as much as I miss Faye, I pass the test.

Pressing on to my high call.

Final exercise

I just did the last exercise in The Grief Recovery Handbook https://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/books/grief-recovery-handbook, which was to write a completion letter to Faye.

It is a step toward healing but it definitely ripped the scab off. I'm feeling very emotional right now.

Yes I'm going there

During my journey of healing I find myself regularly finding new territory or having sudden realizations.

My newest revelation is that the time has come---or is at least rapidly approaching--is that I need to find a new social circle and enlarge my circle of friends.

People who have lost a spouse almost always feel abandoned by old friends because those friendships were in relation to a couple, not a single person.

I don't feel abandoned and I'm confident old friends remain my friends, even if they don't quite know how to respond to me as a single man. But I do feel I have moved out of their social circle.

So I need to start reaching out to establish new social circles and, with them, new friends. I know that will take time because I rarely make instant friends but given time, I make good friends.

Two further comments--I have absolutely no resentment, none at all. I appreciate all the good people who care for me.

Second I'm looking for people to hang out with, not for dating relationships. The time for that has not come.

Another shallow post

A load of laundry reminded me of Faye today.

I run through a lot of Kleenex first thing in the morning. And I have a tendency to leave it in my pockets when I through clothing into the laundry.

So this morning I wasted time picking use tissues out of my pile of clean and dry laundry. Faye would have been so upset.

I smile at the memory.

Changes

I've changed and am changing since Faye died. And I'm a little concerned about some of that.

I'm worried that, without Faye in my life, I'm slipping back into single guy selfishness. Faye, my outspoken, outgoing wife, did not let me get away with being self absorbed. And I grew in unselfishness in our 24 years.

I was living intimately with someone else. And that someone was servant hearted. But she's gone. I really need to be careful about this.

Faye also helped ensure I maintained discipline--at least in terms of work that had to be done.

If it is to be it's now up to me.

Growing together

I've often commented about how different Faye and I were. She was an extroverted, high-energy workaholic. I am an introverted, lower energy, and much more inclined to chilling out.

I like spicy food, Faye did not. Faye was frugal, I was much less so. Faye was earnest about everything she did. I have an unfortunate tendency toward being flippant.

Our differences led to clashes from time. Faye rarely let me win an argument.

Over time, however, God worked in our lives to smooth those differences. Looking back over the past few years and I see us being much more alike than different.

Yes, our personalities remained different; however, our mutual faith was much more important than differences.

We both had a love for stretching and growing as people and a dislike for complacency in our lives.

Faye was often teased for being my food nazi. And, yes, she was far more disciplined in her eating habits than I am but we really shared a desire to be healthy and to further our health by our nutritional choices.

We both had an appreciation for entrepreneurship. We both value family and church.

God had us move steadily along the same path.

And so I press on.

The body

I often find myself on the outside looking in at myself in this process of grief recovery. One thing that particularly interests me, and yes I do find myself interested by this, is the connection between the body and emotional recovery.

On July 17, six months to the day I found my Faye gone, I went into a massive back spasm that had me in severe pain for several weeks.

Tuesday, on the day of my first birthday celebrated without Faye in 25 years, I had another back spasm (not nearly as bad but still a spasm nonetheless).

My chiropractor has told me that men feel stress in their hips and lower back, which is where I felt my pain, while women tend to feel stress in their shoulders. I have no idea if that is true but it certainly seems to be true for me.

And it makes me think that as good as I'm starting to feel I have still have grief working its way on my body.

That makes sense to me. I firmly believe emotional healing is strongly connected to physical well being and physical well being is strongly connected to emotional well being.

So I am committed to caring for my body. As I pray, and seek God, and trust Him I also care for the body He has given to me.

God created the physical universe and called it good. Our bodies matter to God and how we treat them matters to Him.

Eating right and exercise and getting proper rest are vital.

I will press on.

Makes me smile

It's odd the things that make me think about Faye and miss her. For instance, I always think of her when I make a particularly good dinner. I find myself wishing she was enjoying it with me.

On Sunday I did a rib eye steak in my smoker and it turned out really well. In fact I would honestly say the steak was spectacular. And, as always happens, I found myself wishing I could share it with Faye.

But she probably would have insisted one steak is enough for both of us. In fact, she may well have decided it was enough for three dinners. ;)

Nobody's perfect.

Light is shining

Today is my 65th birthday and my Faye is not here to celebrate with me.

That aside, I'm feeling better than I have since the day she died. I know more ups and downs will come--but something has changed and I'm grateful and enjoying it today.

Pressing on.

Feeling restless

I've begun to feel a strange restlessness, or a sense of being unsettled or even slightly uncomfortable with my world as it stands right now. The world doesn't seem quite right to me. And this isn't all about the loss of Faye or grief.

Rather than being a grief symptom this restlessness is more like the way a wound starts itching as it heals. The reality is that I will have more ups and downs and low points as time moves on but I think this strange new feeling is about healing and recovery, not about grief directly.

I'm getting ready to embrace something new, but what? I for sure don't know right now but I'm being prepared.

Pressing on to my high call.

Multi level grief

I'm working through a book called The Grief Recovery Handbook and I'm finding it to be very helpful.

One of the exercises is a grief timeline, which I did a few days ago. A second exercise could be called  completing relationship.

As grieving people explore their grief timeline they may be surprised at how often they have been struck by grief. It will not only be about the death of people they love but a lot of other stressful, grieving situations.

Let's see there could be divorce, rejection, business failure and moves away from friends and family.

My discovery is that grief is multi-layered. As sharp and painful as Faye's death has been it is layered with times I have experience rejection and stress of many kinds.

Final healing is not possible with incomplete relationships still in your life. Completing those relationships may not be a long or difficult ordeal but it does need to be done.

Pressing on.

Good news and bad news

The good news is the fact that I'm well past the initial shock of finding Faye dead one morning.

It was immensely shocking to find my health-obsessed bundle of energy gone, just like that. I was numb for the longest time.

The bad news is that shock is an anaesthetic. It literally left numb and somewhat beyond pain. With the passing of shock I've lost that anaesthetic. And that means a whole new type of pain.

Now I have the ongoing pain of rebuilding my life without Faye. I'll make it. I know I'll make. God is with me and He is sufficient. I say that with absolute confidence.

However I have the ongoing labor of healing ahead. That doesn't just mean getting past the sorrow. I will. But it also means living without the person who helped me keep my household and my life together.

Faye did so much for us. Now I have to do it alone.

Not alone, because God is with me. But, still, alone.

Pressing on.

The little things

As time passes, I'm finding the little things are what I miss the most about Faye.

I mean those little, quite trivial, conversations we would have. For instance mentioning the unusually heavy traffic I encountered while driving. Or talking about the sermon as we drive home from church, or that mutual acquaintance I find difficult to like.

None of these things are significant but there is nobody else I can talk to about these things. Some of them are private, things I would talk about only to my wife. Some of them are just to trivial to talk about with others.

I miss pushing Faye to get ready for church on time. Oddly, enough I find myself leaving too late now.

I miss brief conversations about family.

There is no replacement for Faye for these things. I miss her.

A word of explanation

Please don't take this blog of evidence that I'm suffering or brooding. I'm talking as honestly as I can about grief and recovery and about Faye.

This is something I'm doing very deliberately and fore thought. It is being written with healing in mind and it is helpful.

In time I plan to turn this into a book which I honestly believe will be helpful to others.

By the way my worst days now are better than my best days were six months.

God's grace is wonderful.

Remember Your Smile

Remembering her smile

I always said my Faye had the most beautiful smile in the world and I meant it. Her smile was beautiful because it was real, it was sincere, it involved her whole sweet face and it revealed her heart.

I've been thinking about Faye's smile--in a fond way, not a sad way--since listening to a song by Enya called Remember Your Smile.

As I was thinking about that beautiful song I felt God let me know that, even as I remember my Queen, He will give me new and fresh joys again. Healing is coming.

Pressing on.

Grief timeline

One of the exercises in the Grief Recovery Handbook is to map out a grief timeline from birth until today.
I was to include everything that would cause grief or serious emotional disruption. I did that today.

Good grief. I didn't realize the amount of grief I've experienced. As I look back there's been a lot. Even as I say I'm sure there is nothing unusual in my life in that aspect but my father died in 1960, my Mom died in 2007. Coworkers and friends died in the next few years after that. And my Faye died this year.

Since then I've had another friend and two other friends become seriously ill with cancer. That doesn't include the disruption of moves and the poverty of growing up in a single parent home.

Every one of those events left a mark on my soul. But I don't feel sorry for myself because in the process I've found that people are resilient and strong. I've made it through that stuff and I will make it through this.

God is with me. I know that. He will be with me now as He was with me throughout my life.

Thank you, Lord, for your ongoing presence and grace.

Temporary energy restorers

Part of the process of grieving is to turn to temporary energy relief.
Some of them are food, alcohol, busy-ness, exercise and retail therapy.
I certainly haven't slipped into busy-ness and alcohol hasn't been a factor. To be honest, it maybe was, very briefly, but that's entirely out of my system.
But food, yes. I know how to eat properly. I know what my body responds to but sometimes I just don't care so I shove food into my face my body doesn't need and I might not even like. But there still are times I just don't care. So I eat stupidly.
Retail therapy--somewhat, mostly in the area of book purchases. Faye didn't like me buying as many books as I liked to buy. So I've spent a lot of time in bookstores over the last seven months. That's slowed down as well.
Exercise? Maybe. I've hired a personal trainer who pushes me hard. I've mostly done this for the sake of my fitness but whenever I see my trainer I know I will have an hour when I don't think about one single thing apart from my next rep.
Yes, temporary energy relievers are a reality. I know that. But I also know they're know they are only temporary.
Pressing on.

Isolation

I've been working my way through the Grief Recovery Handbook. One of the exercises is identifying dangers to the recovery process.
My number one danger clearly, clearly, is isolation.
I honestly don't believe I'm in that place. I have people in my life. And I have a business and I do get out and about.
But I would find it easy to withdraw. Faye was my extroverted, sociable, other half. She kept drawing people into our lives and drawing me into people she had met.
I don't have that in my life anymore. Being extroverted Faye is deeply difficult for me. And, honestly, I have a tendency to believe I can make it on my own.
I'm not going to be Faye but I need people in my life. So I will choose to press into that.

Truth

One of the things I wonder about is the need for  grieving people to be truthful about the person they've lost.

I have been absolutely truthful about Faye. I honestly believe she had the most beautiful smile in the world. I believe every word I've said about her lack of guile and the sweetness of her heart. She was honest to the bone--truly.

But I'm not confident Faye is in Heaven today because of how good she was. She's in Heaven because of God's grace and her reliance on grace for salvation.

In addition to be all those genuinely good things Faye was also a driven workaholic. Which meant it was hard to get her to slow down and spend an evening relaxing with me. She needed to be reminded to say hello before asking me to help with a challenge she was having with her computer.

I fully believe Faye is busy in Heaven as she was on earth, with every element of the curse fallen off.

A wonderful, sweet lady, yes. Perfect, no. And I'm smiling while writing.

This is hard work

Dealing with grief is hard work. Recovering my life consumes an enormous amount of energy. Whether I choose to focus energy on a grieving process, as I am doing, or you simply drift through life after serious it will consume energy.
It is tiring physically and it is emotionally draining to grieve.
And I can't book a weekend off. Grief doesn't work that way. I have good moments and even days. I am getting my life together. But thoughts of my sweetheart are never far away. And while memories are slowly getting sweeter sadness is rarely far away.
My point is--grief recovery is work. Hard work. And there is no time off.
I am dependent on the grace and love of God. And I keep moving forward, sometimes by millimetres a day.
But I do grind forward.

The last thing

The very last thing Faye did in this life was to run a mug of the water she loved to drink. She managed to turn the tap off before her mug overflowed and then her sweet heart stopped.
In the very next instant she was in the presence of Jesus and able to drink from the sweetest water she had ever tasted.
I am happy for her. Truly, I am. I'm entirely confident she is alive today in the presence of Jesus.
But my continues to ache. And I don't believe there is any contradiction in that.
To grieve and to rejoice simultaneously is a paradox but not a contradiction.
I rejoice for her, but I miss her.

Vera Lynn - We'll Meet Again; But I do know where, not when but where.

Her great reward

The Lord has been reminding me repeatedly that death was not, somehow, punishment for Faye, it was her great reward.
The first chapter is past but a glorious future has begun.
I grieve, but with confidence and even joy for my Faye.

This journey

This journey I'm on is longer and harder than anyone who hasn't taken it can know.

Daily sadness remains a reality. I'm doing much, much better than I was a couple of months ago but I've realized the focus of my life is still scratching my way off the mountain I was stranded on January 17.

I will conquer this mountain. God is with me. But the battle continues.

We will meet again

My Queen left without saying goodbye. And that ripped my life apart.

But I know we will say hello again. And she will truly be a Princess, if not a Queen, because that is her destiny in Christ. And I will recognize and I will be a Prince, if not a King, because that is my destiny in Christ. As it is the destiny of all His redeemed people.

Robert Plant & Alison Krauss - Your Long Journey

A wish

As I've mentioned in the past Faye brought me into Toastmasters.

I spoke on Thursday. I find the entire process--preparation and speaking pleasurable. I truly love it.

Faye did not. She would agonize over a seven minutes speech.

That brings me to something I wish I could have communicated to her in a way she grasped with her heart.

I would--I did do this--look into her eyes and tell her she didn't need to try so desperately hard to do something different or to change or to develop a new skill. Although all that is good and well and I genuinely admired her for her earnestness and her willingness to learn new things and grow.

But I would tell her she needed to focus on letting people see the beauty of her heart and the rest would start to flow. She was a beautiful person. She was a special person. Letting people simply see that would have accomplished more than any thing she was trying to do.

Somehow she never was able to make that leap. And I can feel a little sad about that.

Heart aching

It was six months ago today that my home went quiet, oh so very quiet.

I've had much healing in that time but I still desperately the sound of her voice and her laughter.

I miss the opportunity to help her with whatever she wanted my help with. I miss the opportunity to tell her about my victories and defeats.

I'm reading a book I would love to pass on to her when I finish, because I know it would have blessed her, as it is blessing me. And I would love to talk about it with her.

I miss having her around to keep me accountable in terms of the food I eat.

Those six months have passed oh so very quickly. And I will meet her again soon enough. But this morning my heart is aching.

A regret

Faye absolutely loved her business with Enagic, selling water systems. She was passionate. Nobody worked harder. She was friendly, people loved her, enthusiastic, coachable and very earnest.

But she had trouble making progress and it made my heart to see her trying so hard and making so little progress.

I believe I could have helped her if I would have joined her in her business. I have strengths that would have complemented hers. If she had directly asked if we could work together, I couldn't have said no to her.

But she never asked. And so I never joined her and that's a regret. We both made the best decisions we could but I have this lingering regret about that.

I've changed part II

I posted earlier about the fact I've changed. It's not just that my life has changed, I have changed in many ways--some subtle, some less subtle.
Some of those changes might be quite obvious to other people, maybe, some I'm only aware.
An obvious change is the fact I have tattoos. They are tattoos I've thought about and prayed about. They are significant to me. Other changes are less obvious.

I want you to accept the reality that I've changed and love the changed me. I ask that for all grieving people. Their loss will have changed them. Accept that and love that and trust that.

Patty Loveless releases Mountain Soul 2

God Be with You Till We Meet Again

Gratitude

I just got a new tattoo Gracias Señor.

It is a declaration, etched in my skin, to be thankful. It is a constant reminder to live in a state of gratitude. But that begs several questions. Is gratitude important? Is it important to the Living God? And why?

Yes, thankfulness matters. To choose to be grateful, even in the darkest nights of my soul, is to honour the God of grace and it helps to break the darkness.

Gratitude, spoken rightly, honours God because it must refer back to the God who is the source of all things--ALL THINGS. And all things means all things.

So can I be thankful in my grief? Can I be thankful that Faye is no longer here with me? Can I be thankful for my grief?

Yes, yes, yes.

I don't understand why my bundle of energy was taken away from me. But I know God is sovereign. I know He is good in his dealings with His people. I know He loves Faye. (I deliberately choose to say He loves Faye, present tense because He loves her as He has always loved her.) And I know He loves me.

I also know, of course, that Heaven is a reward for Faye, not a punishment.

So I choose to be grateful, even in this, because of what I know about the character of God. And I trust Him. And a demonstration of my trust is gratitude.

Soli Deo Gloria.

Waves of grief

I've been doing better but I have peaks and valleys. The valleys don't get as deep as they once did but they get deep.

I'm in a valley today--and have been for the last few days. My heart is aching. I miss my Faye desperately.

But I feel the Lord has given direction to give thanks at all times, every day, every circumstance. And so I will give thanks--even today.

To God be glory.

Things that make me wonder

Faye had severe insomnia. She had prodigious energy, but she had insomnia.

Sometimes she would wait in bed for me to wake up so we could pray together but often she would get out of bed at 2 or 3 in the morning.

The reason I'm writing--or thinking--about this is somethings I've learned recently about the importance of sleep to health.

In fact there is evidently a connection between insomnia and heart disease. So I wonder did her insomnia damage her heart, or was her insomnia a symptom of an underlying illness?

Just wondering.

New heart

One of the many changes in my life since that dreadful day is that my heart is more tender. I have a deeper hunger for God and I'm more sensitive than I have ever been.
I am absolutely confident that God is in this and I need to be afraid of it.

Embracing the suck

The state of my heart has changed. It is more sensitive to pain than I can remember it ever being. This morning I felt the Lord tell me to embrace the suck.
But I also felt he was telling me that not every or heart ache is about my grief or the loss of my Faye. And that He is back of that change so accept it and flow with it.

Emmylou Harris & Rodney Crowell - Higher Mountains

All things

As I go through the waves of grief, lessening in intensity over time, I have to remind myself that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord, who are called according to His purpose.

I cannot, I will not, surrender to despair, or the lie that life and death are without purpose.

Here is Love Vast as the Ocean.

The song in the previous post was called the love song of the Welsh Revival. I watched that video over and over again in the weeks following Faye's death.

here is love vast as the ocean, Dyma gariad fel y moroedd

Billie Joe & Norah Jones - Oh So Many Years Lyrics

My Faye

The Virtuous Wife

10 Who[c] can find a [d]virtuous wife?
For her worth is far above rubies.
11 The heart of her husband safely trusts her;
So he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
13 She seeks wool and flax,
And willingly works with her hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
She brings her food from afar.
15 She also rises while it is yet night,
And provides food for her household,
And a portion for her maidservants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
From [e]her profits she plants a vineyard.
17 She girds herself with strength,
And strengthens her arms.
18 She perceives that her merchandise is good,
And her lamp does not go out by night.
19 She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hand holds the spindle.
20 She extends her hand to the poor,
Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of snow for her household,
For all her household is clothed with scarlet.
22 She makes tapestry for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies sashes for the merchants.
25 Strength and honor are her clothing;
She shall rejoice in time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue is the law of kindness.
27 She watches over the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
Her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many daughters have done well,
But you excel them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
And let her own works praise her in the gates.

This passage describes my Faye. This is her--big time, hard core. Her persistence may have been annoying to some people. :) But in truth she blessed and served everyone she met. That was her beautiful heart.

A servant's heart

I attended the Annual General Meeting of our church (Lighthouse Church) last night to hear Faye's name mentioned several times. She is missed.

Of course her energy is missed but also, specifically, her gift of service. She was willing to do anything that needed to be done. If the nursery or children's ministry needed a hand, her's were available. If a meal was being prepared she was in the kitchen pitching in. If the greeting ministry needed a hand, she was at the front door welcoming everybody with her beautiful smile and a hug.

I wish I could tell her, again, how proud I was of her. Her heart for service touched many people and it was an example for me/

Pure heart

I had tea with a man yesterday who loved Faye and grieved with me when she died.

He described as a woman too pure for the earth. She wasn't quite that but she was a genuine pure heart.

Faye was a woman without guile--truly. There was nothing deceptive about my Faye, which made her open to teasing all her life. People teased Faye because they liked her but also because she was innocent and trusting. She took people at their word.

I've always said she had the most beautiful smile in the world. Her smile was beautiful because it came from the heart and involved her whole face including her eyes. It wasn't just with her lips, it was her whole face so people knew it was genuine.

Faye could get annoying with her persistence but people would never hold anything against her for any length of time because of the sweetness of her heart.

I don't know what physical age people will be in Heaven. Mostly I suspect the deterioration of age will be repaired but I think laugh lines should be retained. Faye earned those with the sweetness of her heart.

Faye's enthusiasm

Faye had a business--marketing a water system produced and sold by a company called Enagic. The machine is called a Kangen machine.

She put all her remarkable energy and enthusiasm into her business. She put everything she had into it. Everybody, and I mean everybody, knew what my Faye was up to.

Faye met with a lot of frustration. And it was my honour to help walk her through those frustrations but I had nothing but love and admiration for her commitment.

I do have a question for her. Is the water sweeter on the other side?

Dolly Parton, Linda Ronstadt, Emmylou Harris (Trio) - Farther Along

We shall all be reunited Patty Griffin

Flash back

In the weeks after Faye's death I was troubled, deeply troubled, by worries about her last months.

I brooded about the possibility she was cold (she was wearing her little socks she wore to keep her feet warm). I brought about the possibility she was afraid, or lonely, or wanted to call me to be with her.

Then I had a mental image of her going to the kitchen to fill up her Bubba bottle with water. As she finishes filling up her jug, she feels something, and she hears something. Jesus is reaching out his hand to her. She looks back, briefly, wondering. And then she takes his hand and he takes her as she goes, she begins to smile, and smile, and smile every more gloriously.

She is home.

I miss her, but she is home.

A Southern Gospel Revival: Courtney Patton - Take Your Shoes Off Moses

The patterns of grief

I had a bad day yesterday.

I was having flash backs to the moment I found Faye and the emotions of that moment pretty much all day. I was also having painful and sweet memories of my lady all day. And so I was sadder than I had been in a couple of months at least.

However, I was prepared. I was ready. I already know, and knew, that there is an an ebb flow in healing from the desperate pain of losing the person I love most in the world. The upward climb is a daily, inch by inch, process and sometimes I will slide back downwards.

No, let me correct that often there is a slip. It's like one of those stock market charts--many serious dips, even collapses but over time steady upward progress. And so my low point yesterday was not as low as the low points of a month ago. I was actually able to keep functioning yesterday. There would have been a time when that would not have been possible.

Climbing this mountain of mine is a lifetime process--truly, lifetime.  In it I need to keep going, never ultimately surrendering, or giving up.

God is with me, this I know.

A Southern Gospel Revival - Courtney Patton - Welcome Table

Caring for the body

I still miss my Faye desperately. I think about her when I wake; I think about her when I go to bed.
I miss her energy. I miss her enthusiasm. I miss her smile and her laughter.

But by God's infinite love and grace I know I'm healing and getting life back. I give credit to the power of prayer (my own and that of many others) and times of praise. I give credit to encouragement from others, times of sharing my sorrow and the comfort of others.

However, I also give credit to hugs and to a process of caring for my body.

After the Lord finished the process of creation he pronounced what He created to be good. He looked at the material world and called it good. He looked at the creation of humanity--physical/spiritual beings and called it good.

My body--flesh, blood, bone, synapses, nerves--is pronounced good by the Living God. Caring for it is good.

Caring for my body--through deliberate exercise and proper nutrition and time in the sun and with people is a necessary part of healing from grief. In fact, in my case, attending to the physical was my first step to returning to hope and happiness.

In fact I firmly belief in physical first, then the spiritual.

God made the material universe and called it good. He made the body and called it.

To Him be the glory.

Last words

The last text message I ever received from Faye was "where are you?"
I was a little later getting home than she expected but Faye was never a needy person. She had been miserable with the flu, but still, she was usually needy.
Did she know? Did she know, somehow, this would be our last night together on this earth?
I've always wondered about that.

Fond memories

I gave a speech at Toastmasters last night. I genuinely love speaking. It energizes me--the whole process energizes. And I think I'm pretty good at it.
Faye brought me into the Toastmasters Club. I remember her agonizing for hours in preparing a seven-minute speech.
But I had great admiration for her willingness to learn something she wasn't good at and didn't particularly enjoy. And I loved her for her earnestness. She was deeply and genuinely earnest about everything she did.
In that, my Faye was an example to me.
Thank You Lord.

This is a journey

This grief recovery process truly is a journey--with many twists and turns and challenges.
I've come a long way but I still can be surprised by sadness--like I was today.
I miss her smile so much.

Changes

John Pipe speaks of God's frowning providence granted to make us into what He wants us to be.

I believe Faye's sudden death was an example of that very frowning providence. It is--and has--changed me. I don't only mean my life has changed. I mean I have changed and I expect I will change more.

My heart is more tender. My emotions are much closer to the surface than they used to be.
Living according to the values God has planted in my heart are more important than they have ever been.
On the flip side I'm much less prepared to live my life according to the values of other people.
I'm significantly more impatient with events that don't offer value.
On the flip side it is much more important to me that I offer value.
I have no time for meaningless nonsense.
My priorities have changed.
The people in my life are more important than they have ever been.
I'm more prepared to say no to things I don't want to do.
I believe I'm less concerned about the opinions of other people. And I'm growing ever more unconcerned.
I'm less willing to go along with stuff that doesn't provide benefit to me spiritually, emotionally or physical.
I'm determined to be happy to the Glory of God.

Phil Wickham - When My Heart Is Torn Asunder

Changes

I feel--and, yes, this is just a feeling--that I'm a different person today than I was January 16. I've changed.
Faye's sudden and absolutely unexpected death changed me. It wasn't just my life that changed, and it has, I have changed.


Faye's death was my Ford of Jabbok experience. That was where Jacob met God and wrestled with Him through the night. The experience ended with God touching Jacob's hip and leaving him with a limp for the rest of his life. And then God changed Jacob's name to Israel.

I've been left with a limp and my name has been changed.

I have only the vaguest idea about what this means in practice but I have to embrace it. I'm convinced of that.

I feel my heart has become more tender and tears will come more easily, but not just because of my grief.

Life and living well will become more important to me. And I already have a deeper awareness of and passion for Heaven, and not just because of my hope of a reunion with my lady.

My priorities are already changing. I thinking living by God values all the time is becoming more profoundly important.

The fear of man is breaking, I still have a long way to go but it's coming. And that, of course, will affect my day to day decisions.

There will be many practical changes coming. Will I be living somewhere I didn't expect to live? Possibly. Will my occupations change? Quite likely.

I need to be careful that I don't make changes out of confused emotions but when the time comes for decisions I will say yes to God.

I declare

That on this morning I choose to live. I remember my Faye with great sweetness and sadness at her passing.
But I choose to live. I choose to live with joy and purpose and my heart set on God.
And this, I believe, is according to the will and purposes of God.
I choose to live.

My great lady

Faye was a true extrovert--perhaps a 10 out of 10 on that scale. She was also genuinely and sincerely friendly. I don't believe all extroverts are genuinely friendly--some extroverts are more concerned with impressing others and dominating all conversation than they are with loving others. Faye was one of those who used her natural extroversion to love others. So to know Faye was to love her.

In fact, I'm confident she's loving being with people in Heaven right now.

Sometimes her desperate attempts to build a business got in the way of people perceiving the pureness of her heart. And that actually hampered her attempts to turn friends into customers. But when people were allowed past that they couldn't help but love.

Missing her daily.

What I've lost

In the lost of my beautiful wife I've lost a lot of other things.
I've lost the one who kept our house in order.
I've lost the one who helped me fight the fight against procrastination.
I've lost the one who knit sweaters for me.
I've lost the one who took care of our bills.
I've lost the one who knew where she wanted to go with the garden.
I've lost the one who needed me.
I've lost the one who did more than half the cooking.
I've lost the one who ensured our house was an active house.
I've lost the one who invited people into our house.
I've lost the one who balanced my introversion with her extroversion.
How I miss her.

Memory

One morning, perhaps two days after Faye died, I was lying in bed asking the Lord to take care of her.
I clearly heard him chuckle and say He's been taking care of her for 72 years and nothing has changed. He loves her better and truer than I ever could.
She's beyond safe.

A Southern Gospel Revival - Jamie Wilson - Ain't No Grave

This is a long journey

I've been doing really well of late. But I awoke today in flashback to finding my Queen slumped over the sink. So a measure of sadness is back. It is not as bad as it has been, so I'm healing.
It's a long and winding journey, so this is no shock.

Life continues

 Proverbs 12: 28 In the way of righteousness is life,
And in its pathway there is no death.

This verse brought great comfort to me this past week.

Faye was made righteous by the blood Jesus, without question or doubt. Jesus was her Lord. She was declared righteous by Jesus.

So she is alive--no doubt, no fear. She IS alive. Her life continued on January 17, just not here with me.

And she is still Faye. I miss her but we will meet again--no doubt.

Gratitude

I'm failing great gratitude for a lot of things this morning.
I'm grateful for 24 great--not perfect but still great years with a wonderful, not perfect but still wonderful, woman. I'm a better man for having had her in my life.
I'm surrounded with lots of love and friendship. I'm better loved than I realized.
I'm grateful for the Grief Share Group. It has been awesome. As has been the Option B Facebook group.
I'm grateful for my cyber friends in the Ace of Spades Headquarters horde. They were amazing to me.
I'm grateful for good health. I owe that in significant measure to the support of my Faye.
I'm grateful for my church The Lighthouse Church and many other Christian brothers and sisters.
There is much to be thankful for but above all I thank the Living God.

Workaholic

Faye was a full-on workaholic. She was always working, always busy. I suspect she's busy in Heaven right now.
Her hands were always occupied. She would work, work, work and then go to bed. That did affect our relationship because we didn't have a lot of time to just be together, enjoying each other's company.
But that was part of who she was. And I loved her in all of who she was. So I loved her busy-ness.

Would I give anything

For the longest time I would regularly say to myself, or God, I would give anything to have Faye back.
But would I?
For sure I miss her smile, and her enthusiasm, and her energy. I miss driving with her and holding her and chatting with her.
I miss her ability to keep me organized and keep the house neat.
If I could go back to January 16 and prevent it from ever happening I would.
But would I give anything?
Faye has run her race and she's heard the Master say "well done." I know this. She is enjoying all the beauty and glory of Heaven. I know this. And she died without pain.
So would I want to come back for a rerun. No. I couldn't be that selfish. So we will meet again.

Nothing will be wasted

Romans 8:28 tells us that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purposes.

It's been four months since my Faye went suddenly to her eternal home. Overall they have been the worst four months of my life. My life fell apart. It's coming together again, but it fell apart.
But I have a sure and certain promise that even this will work for good. I don't know how that will happen. I don't know when I will see that but I know God will take this terrible event and take the pain out of it and work it for good.

That gives me complete confidence that my 24 good years with a beautiful woman were not wasted. It gives me confidence her sudden death will not be wasted. And it gives me confidence my tears, my grief and my confusion will not be wasted.

I know God is good. And I trust Him.

Healing

As I write this i am feeling that pang of loss but at the same time I'm healing.
God comforts the hurting with His word. I can't imagine not having his written word or spending time with Him in His word every day.
He brings comfort through His people. I am deeply grateful for the people God has surrounded me with.
He brings comfort through the choice to praise, even during the darkest times of my life.
And I've found he's brought comfort through doing whatever I need to do to be healthy. That means exercise and eating for health.
Tending to physical health makes emotional healing easier. In fact I would give that primacy. First the physical, then the spirit.

Called to happiness

Many, many people have told me Faye would want me to be happy.
I have no doubt that's true. I'm sure she would want me to be happy, even now from her new and eternal home.
But the thing is, the greater truth is that God calls me to live in happiness in Him, the eternal happy God, who is an overflowing fountain of life.
John Piper says God is most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in Him. Faye's memory draws me to return to happiness. But the Living God compels me to be happy again.
All glory to God.

My beautiful lady

My beautiful Faye was pursuing a number of goals. But with a lot of frustration because it did not seem to be happening.
That left me grieving for her when she died. But that's really irrelevant for her now, not because she did not fulfill those goals and dreams but because all her dreams are met in Christ.
Thank you Jesus.

Heaven Song

The song linked below has ministered below has ministered to me powerfully over the last four months. Has it already been four months?

https://youtu.be/jqLulbmdbLg

In the song Phil Wickham speaks of Heaven as a real place, populated with real people. It is not a ghost, populated with ghosts. Real Place. Real People.
This place, where I still live, is the dreamland. Just like Oz was for Dorothy. Heaven is the real world. That's where Faye is. That's where I'm going. That's where all who are in Christ are headed.
And that is the Christian's great hope and great joy. It's a comfort but more than comfort. It is courage and persistence and strength, once fully grasped.

The journey of grief

I woke up yesterday feeling better than I have since that terrible day of Faye's death. I truly felt like the clouds were breaking.
But here's the thing, I also know I could turn a corner and be confronted with something that would plunge me back into deep sadness. It might not, probably would not, be as deep as the grief of January 17, but I would be deep.
That's clearly what this unexpected journey I'm on is like. And I know healing will take time. But I'm not alone. I have family and I have friends. Above all, I have God with me in this.
I will recover.
To God be the Glory.