Tuesday, April 21, 2020

Odd reminders

I've been binge watching a Discovery Channel program called Flying Wild Alaska.

It's about the Tweto family, who run Era Alaska, an airline serving rural areas of Alaska. I find it an absolutely fascinating glimpse at the challenges of running a particular business (in this case an airline).

But I also am drawn to it because of one of the daughters--Ariel.

I've been wondering why I find myself so drawn to her, other than the fact she's pretty. And I realize it's because she reminds me of my Faye.

That is, if Faye was an Eskimo (in Canada we say Inuit but she calls herself an Eskimo) and grew up in a family that ran an airline rather than a farm, and spent her early life in northern Alaska rather than Saskatchewan.

Here's how she reminds me of Faye:

She has endless energy, just like Faye, is a bundle of enthusiasm, just like Faye, she's extremely chatty, just like Faye, she is a super friendly extrovert, just like Faye, she likes hospitality, just like Faye, she likes stink flipper, well Faye never heard to stink flipper.
she's kind of innocent, just like Faye and she has a beautiful smile, just like my Faye. In fact she's pretty much always smiling, on the television program at least.

The only exception was an episode when she learned the younger brother of a friend had committed suicide, which is an all too common occurrence in Alaska's rural communities.

It's funny, the things that remind me of Faye--in this case a bubbly, chatty young woman with a perpetual smile.

It brings nothing but happiness to me, today, to be reminded of the things that made Faye special.

And I press on

Monday, April 20, 2020

Bruised but not broken

The pain is fading, in fact it has mostly disappeared.

The bruise, however, remains.

I've had a mental image of having a bruised heel. I'm thinking the experience of Jacob at the Ford of Jabbok.

Here's where I'm going with this. I may have a limp for the rest of my life. I may be marked for the rest of my life. In fact, how can I not be marked by the loss of my wife of 24 years.

But I am living again and that bruise will not defeat me, or hold me back or prevent from living my life with purpose and experiencing joy.

I'm bruised but not broken. I fact I truly believe I am stronger now in broken places. God is with me.

And I will press on I will run again, I declare that to be the truth.

Pressing on to my high calling.

Friday, April 17, 2020

Would she want me to be happy?

I've often had people tell me that Faye would want me to be happy. That's a nice sentiment, but would she? I don't know.

I'm firmly convinced Faye is more alive than ever. And, yes, I assume she would want me to be happy.

Does that offer me comfort? Not really. We can't communicate until the day we meet again, which, again, I'm firmly convinced will.

What does offer strength and comfort is my confidence in the sovereignty of God and the presence of His Holy Spirit.

John 15:11 says "I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete."

That's the thing, my joy and my strength are to be where they have always had to be--in the Lord.

I live to know Him and to love and to find my strength and satisfaction in Him.

And so I press on.

Wednesday, April 15, 2020

Forgetting what lies behind

One part of this verse refers to pressing on toward the goal to win the prize.

But another part refers to forgetting what lies behind and I think that is just as important.

What lies behind? Well, for one, the life I had with Faye. Missing the woman I spent 24 years is a normal and necessary part of grieving. I still miss her.

That life, however, is gone forever. I have to live a new life. Nostalgia is part of my life. Maybe it will always be part of my life. But I cannot, dare not, let it be a trap.

I have more life ahead. I fully intend to live that life to the best of my ability. I can't try to live in what I once had, that life is gone.

But here's another thing that I need to leave behind.
The last two years have been hard, I've had my moments of brain fog, I've made mistakes and there are things I should have been doing that I forgot to do. Call it grief, or call it mild depression my life is a bit of a mess--including doing virtually nothing by way of income producing activity.

Another example is the pounds of put on. I'm unhappy about that.

But things happen. The past is the past. I need to live today, that includes developing a productive and healthy life again.

There's another thing. Sometimes, things are said that can be hurtful during the worst times in a person's life. Fortunately I can't at the moment remember any. I want to leave it that. And remember the people who blessed me.

And so I press on.

Soli Deo Gloria

Monday, April 13, 2020

Life is war

To put it simply I agree with John Piper that life is war.

That's why God's people must be people of prayer.

Please don't think of this is as a negative point of view. In fact understanding this is part of not being derailed whenever hard times come. And it's part of experiencing joy.

Consistent, persistent, joy is not an accident, nor is it simply a matter of personality. Yes, some people are more inclined to gloom than others, or, to put it another way, some people are more inclined to be cheerful than others.

Having said that, there is a certain determination required to be consistently joyful--determination in guarding our hearts and minds against things that bring dismay. That can be difficult in a world in which so many people seem to be frightened

It also requires a determined focus on those things that help ground us in a healthy, joyful, mindset. In other words it is both a negative thing--knowing what things to refuse entry to your mind--and knowing what things to pursue.

I spoke in a previous blog about learning to concentrate on God as in Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

And that is hard mental work. In fact, it could be called war.

https://youtu.be/cQuWMGtpLJs

Pressing on.

Friday, April 10, 2020

Back to the basics

It's clear I will have to go back to the basics as I continue to fight to embrace, fully embrace, life again.

The basics were clear when Faye died, in the image of making it off my mountain top.

1) It will be an inch-by-inch, day-by-day struggle. Recovering, rebuilding my life and clearing up the accumulated mess of the last two years will take a daily walk.

A couple of months after Faye died I got a tattoo of a mountain, with the sun rising over the summit. The words are Inch by inch, day by day, I will make this mountain mine. Soli Deo Gloria. (Glory to God alone.)

I seem to have forgotten that concept.

Life is war. Life is also joy, but it is war and I will have to move forward, even if only in tiny increments every day. Every day. I will have to do the right things every day.

2) I will need to choose to live by faith, not fear, or discouragement, or depression, every day.

3) That will take a disciplined mind--focussing on God and His truth and keeping guard over my heart and mind. There are so many things that can bring defeat. It's time to be ruthless in guarding my mind.

4) It will take a commitment to thanksgiving and praise.

5) It will take disciplined action.

6) It will mean getting back to basics in how I take care of my body. Physical and spiritual health cannot be separated.

To the battle.

Soli Deo Gloria.

Wednesday, April 8, 2020

Thinking and grief

I mentioned a couple of days ago that I've been reading Timothy Keller's Walking With God Through Pain and Suffering.

I've finished the book and I'm thinking through some of the things Keller talks about.

One thing he talks about that makes much sense to me is the stress he places on Christians turning to The Bible, not for emotional comfort, but for solid biblical truth.

In other words, if I understand him correctly, he says we get the emotional strength to survive pain and sorrow, not from emotional comfort but from the solid truths of the Word of God.

In wrestling with the Word we come to greater understanding of God's character, his combination of sovereignty and tenderness and His love.

It's in truly understanding those things that they become part of the fabric of our lives and enable us to keep walking through the inevitable storms of life.

God is good; God is sovereign. Or to put it another way life is hard; God is good.

Pressing on in Him.

Soli Deo Gloria.

Monday, April 6, 2020

My aria

I haven't blogged for a long time, which might be an indication that I'm feeling better and that grief is no longer front and centre in my life anymore. There's truth to that but it could also be that I'm struggling with lack of discipline and procrastination. I had committed myself to doing this as a discipline, whether or not I have any readers.

So here I go again.

Timothy Keller, in his book Walking With God Through Pain and Suffering, tells of a man, whose wife left him. he had crippling legal expense, lost his high paying job, and had to raise his children as a single parent in a low-paying job.

This man, Greg, observed "how in the middle of many operas there was a 'sad and moving solo' in which the main character turned sorrow into something beautiful. Greg said:

This is my moment sing the aria. I don't want to, I don't want to have this chance, but it's here now, and what am I going to do about it? Am I going to rise to rise to the occasion?"

This quote deeply resonated with me.

In the death of my Faye I was given my moment to sing the aria--to bring beauty to the most painful experience of my life to the donor and glory of God.

My voice is a croaky, broken thing at times but I am determined to sing.

Soli deo Gloria.