We will meet again

My Queen left without saying goodbye. And that ripped my life apart.

But I know we will say hello again. And she will truly be a Princess, if not a Queen, because that is her destiny in Christ. And I will recognize and I will be a Prince, if not a King, because that is my destiny in Christ. As it is the destiny of all His redeemed people.

Robert Plant & Alison Krauss - Your Long Journey

A wish

As I've mentioned in the past Faye brought me into Toastmasters.

I spoke on Thursday. I find the entire process--preparation and speaking pleasurable. I truly love it.

Faye did not. She would agonize over a seven minutes speech.

That brings me to something I wish I could have communicated to her in a way she grasped with her heart.

I would--I did do this--look into her eyes and tell her she didn't need to try so desperately hard to do something different or to change or to develop a new skill. Although all that is good and well and I genuinely admired her for her earnestness and her willingness to learn new things and grow.

But I would tell her she needed to focus on letting people see the beauty of her heart and the rest would start to flow. She was a beautiful person. She was a special person. Letting people simply see that would have accomplished more than any thing she was trying to do.

Somehow she never was able to make that leap. And I can feel a little sad about that.

Heart aching

It was six months ago today that my home went quiet, oh so very quiet.

I've had much healing in that time but I still desperately the sound of her voice and her laughter.

I miss the opportunity to help her with whatever she wanted my help with. I miss the opportunity to tell her about my victories and defeats.

I'm reading a book I would love to pass on to her when I finish, because I know it would have blessed her, as it is blessing me. And I would love to talk about it with her.

I miss having her around to keep me accountable in terms of the food I eat.

Those six months have passed oh so very quickly. And I will meet her again soon enough. But this morning my heart is aching.

A regret

Faye absolutely loved her business with Enagic, selling water systems. She was passionate. Nobody worked harder. She was friendly, people loved her, enthusiastic, coachable and very earnest.

But she had trouble making progress and it made my heart to see her trying so hard and making so little progress.

I believe I could have helped her if I would have joined her in her business. I have strengths that would have complemented hers. If she had directly asked if we could work together, I couldn't have said no to her.

But she never asked. And so I never joined her and that's a regret. We both made the best decisions we could but I have this lingering regret about that.

I've changed part II

I posted earlier about the fact I've changed. It's not just that my life has changed, I have changed in many ways--some subtle, some less subtle.
Some of those changes might be quite obvious to other people, maybe, some I'm only aware.
An obvious change is the fact I have tattoos. They are tattoos I've thought about and prayed about. They are significant to me. Other changes are less obvious.

I want you to accept the reality that I've changed and love the changed me. I ask that for all grieving people. Their loss will have changed them. Accept that and love that and trust that.

Patty Loveless releases Mountain Soul 2

God Be with You Till We Meet Again

Gratitude

I just got a new tattoo Gracias Señor.

It is a declaration, etched in my skin, to be thankful. It is a constant reminder to live in a state of gratitude. But that begs several questions. Is gratitude important? Is it important to the Living God? And why?

Yes, thankfulness matters. To choose to be grateful, even in the darkest nights of my soul, is to honour the God of grace and it helps to break the darkness.

Gratitude, spoken rightly, honours God because it must refer back to the God who is the source of all things--ALL THINGS. And all things means all things.

So can I be thankful in my grief? Can I be thankful that Faye is no longer here with me? Can I be thankful for my grief?

Yes, yes, yes.

I don't understand why my bundle of energy was taken away from me. But I know God is sovereign. I know He is good in his dealings with His people. I know He loves Faye. (I deliberately choose to say He loves Faye, present tense because He loves her as He has always loved her.) And I know He loves me.

I also know, of course, that Heaven is a reward for Faye, not a punishment.

So I choose to be grateful, even in this, because of what I know about the character of God. And I trust Him. And a demonstration of my trust is gratitude.

Soli Deo Gloria.

Waves of grief

I've been doing better but I have peaks and valleys. The valleys don't get as deep as they once did but they get deep.

I'm in a valley today--and have been for the last few days. My heart is aching. I miss my Faye desperately.

But I feel the Lord has given direction to give thanks at all times, every day, every circumstance. And so I will give thanks--even today.

To God be glory.