Memory

One morning, perhaps two days after Faye died, I was lying in bed asking the Lord to take care of her.
I clearly heard him chuckle and say He's been taking care of her for 72 years and nothing has changed. He loves her better and truer than I ever could.
She's beyond safe.

A Southern Gospel Revival - Jamie Wilson - Ain't No Grave

This is a long journey

I've been doing really well of late. But I awoke today in flashback to finding my Queen slumped over the sink. So a measure of sadness is back. It is not as bad as it has been, so I'm healing.
It's a long and winding journey, so this is no shock.

Life continues

 Proverbs 12: 28 In the way of righteousness is life,
And in its pathway there is no death.

This verse brought great comfort to me this past week.

Faye was made righteous by the blood Jesus, without question or doubt. Jesus was her Lord. She was declared righteous by Jesus.

So she is alive--no doubt, no fear. She IS alive. Her life continued on January 17, just not here with me.

And she is still Faye. I miss her but we will meet again--no doubt.

Gratitude

I'm failing great gratitude for a lot of things this morning.
I'm grateful for 24 great--not perfect but still great years with a wonderful, not perfect but still wonderful, woman. I'm a better man for having had her in my life.
I'm surrounded with lots of love and friendship. I'm better loved than I realized.
I'm grateful for the Grief Share Group. It has been awesome. As has been the Option B Facebook group.
I'm grateful for my cyber friends in the Ace of Spades Headquarters horde. They were amazing to me.
I'm grateful for good health. I owe that in significant measure to the support of my Faye.
I'm grateful for my church The Lighthouse Church and many other Christian brothers and sisters.
There is much to be thankful for but above all I thank the Living God.

Workaholic

Faye was a full-on workaholic. She was always working, always busy. I suspect she's busy in Heaven right now.
Her hands were always occupied. She would work, work, work and then go to bed. That did affect our relationship because we didn't have a lot of time to just be together, enjoying each other's company.
But that was part of who she was. And I loved her in all of who she was. So I loved her busy-ness.

Would I give anything

For the longest time I would regularly say to myself, or God, I would give anything to have Faye back.
But would I?
For sure I miss her smile, and her enthusiasm, and her energy. I miss driving with her and holding her and chatting with her.
I miss her ability to keep me organized and keep the house neat.
If I could go back to January 16 and prevent it from ever happening I would.
But would I give anything?
Faye has run her race and she's heard the Master say "well done." I know this. She is enjoying all the beauty and glory of Heaven. I know this. And she died without pain.
So would I want to come back for a rerun. No. I couldn't be that selfish. So we will meet again.

Nothing will be wasted

Romans 8:28 tells us that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purposes.

It's been four months since my Faye went suddenly to her eternal home. Overall they have been the worst four months of my life. My life fell apart. It's coming together again, but it fell apart.
But I have a sure and certain promise that even this will work for good. I don't know how that will happen. I don't know when I will see that but I know God will take this terrible event and take the pain out of it and work it for good.

That gives me complete confidence that my 24 good years with a beautiful woman were not wasted. It gives me confidence her sudden death will not be wasted. And it gives me confidence my tears, my grief and my confusion will not be wasted.

I know God is good. And I trust Him.

Healing

As I write this i am feeling that pang of loss but at the same time I'm healing.
God comforts the hurting with His word. I can't imagine not having his written word or spending time with Him in His word every day.
He brings comfort through His people. I am deeply grateful for the people God has surrounded me with.
He brings comfort through the choice to praise, even during the darkest times of my life.
And I've found he's brought comfort through doing whatever I need to do to be healthy. That means exercise and eating for health.
Tending to physical health makes emotional healing easier. In fact I would give that primacy. First the physical, then the spirit.

Called to happiness

Many, many people have told me Faye would want me to be happy.
I have no doubt that's true. I'm sure she would want me to be happy, even now from her new and eternal home.
But the thing is, the greater truth is that God calls me to live in happiness in Him, the eternal happy God, who is an overflowing fountain of life.
John Piper says God is most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in Him. Faye's memory draws me to return to happiness. But the Living God compels me to be happy again.
All glory to God.

My beautiful lady

My beautiful Faye was pursuing a number of goals. But with a lot of frustration because it did not seem to be happening.
That left me grieving for her when she died. But that's really irrelevant for her now, not because she did not fulfill those goals and dreams but because all her dreams are met in Christ.
Thank you Jesus.

Heaven Song

The song linked below has ministered below has ministered to me powerfully over the last four months. Has it already been four months?

https://youtu.be/jqLulbmdbLg

In the song Phil Wickham speaks of Heaven as a real place, populated with real people. It is not a ghost, populated with ghosts. Real Place. Real People.
This place, where I still live, is the dreamland. Just like Oz was for Dorothy. Heaven is the real world. That's where Faye is. That's where I'm going. That's where all who are in Christ are headed.
And that is the Christian's great hope and great joy. It's a comfort but more than comfort. It is courage and persistence and strength, once fully grasped.

The journey of grief

I woke up yesterday feeling better than I have since that terrible day of Faye's death. I truly felt like the clouds were breaking.
But here's the thing, I also know I could turn a corner and be confronted with something that would plunge me back into deep sadness. It might not, probably would not, be as deep as the grief of January 17, but I would be deep.
That's clearly what this unexpected journey I'm on is like. And I know healing will take time. But I'm not alone. I have family and I have friends. Above all, I have God with me in this.
I will recover.
To God be the Glory.

His Mountain

Mountains are an extremely significant image for me. It is one that was planted in my spirit when my Faye died, representing the struggle ahead but with the promise of triumph.

God has, however, has been letting me know my mountain of sorrow is in the end His mountain of glory and triumph.

He makes all things, ALL THINGS, work together for good for those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.

I have absolutely no idea how this sadness will work together for good.  But I know it will.

To God be the glory.

Mother's Day

I chose not to attend church yesterday because I did not want to attend a Mother's Day service. I could have, because I wasn't in deep grief but I didn't want to, so I didn't.
Grief is a funny thing. Different things hit different people and different ways. I wanted to stay away from the possibility.

Warnings?

There's something I can get to brooding about. Let's see if I can articulate it.
Throughout 2017 I had a strong impression that change was coming. And it certainly did--big time. I never in a million years would have dreamed the change would be what it has been. But my life has certainly change.
Sometime in fall of 2017 out of the blue said I would be lost if she was gone. She was right but her comment left me gobsmacked.
The Sunday before she died I felt an urgency to stay home with her, as she had the flu.
On January 16, the day before she died, I went to Calgary to donate blood and then I was to go on from there to a business meeting. But, again, I had an urgency to be home.
I stopped on my way home for a coffee to receive a text from her asking where I was. It seemed sad and plaintive.
On getting home I was almost overwhelmed with the thought of how devastating it would be if I never heard her voice, or her laugh or saw her smile.
And then she said she felt so sick she wanted to die.
The thing I wonder, when I take all these things in mind, is if the Lord was somehow speaking to both of us about the big change coming.
I don't know. Brooding doesn't help. But I do wonder.

Still shocked

I am slowly adjusting to my new normal but I woke up this morning once again feeling the shock of loss and the reality that someone as energetic, enthusiastic and apparently healthy as my Faye would die in an instant.
But for my absolute confidence in the sovereignty of God I don't know how I would go on. But God is sovereign. I don't understand why this horrible event happened but it did and I know my God is sovereign.
I have no particular answers or explanations but I do my God and I trust Him.

Beautiful to me

Faye had arthritic hands. They were deformed and they embarrassed her. But they never, ever embarrassed me. They were the hands of a hard working woman with the heart of a servant. And so they were beautiful to me.

Deciding to live

In the immediate aftermath of Faye's death I truly did not care if I lived or if I died. I wasn't suicidal. Far from it but the thought of rejoining Faye sooner rather than later was very appealing. I would have been okay with the possibility of a plane crash on my trip to The Philippines. All I wanted was to be with Faye again. Period.

But in the four months that have passed I have regained my will to live. There's not a lot of joy as yet but I choose to live and I expect joy will return.

The first step has been to care for the physical. Some may disagree but I believe strongly in the physical first, and then the spiritual. God created a material world with people with bodies and he pronounced it good. This physical world is good. My body is good. And I need to treat it well.

Spiritual strength will follow physical health. So I've hired a personal trainer who works me hard, for which I'm grateful. A good, intense, workout is not only good for my body but good for my spirit. And that is one hour when I don't think of anything other than the next rep.

I've also recommitted to WildFit nutritional coaching.

Health is coming back and with health comes fresh hope.

Choose life.

I watched an elementary school presentation of The Wizard of Oz last week and cried. Yep, the Wizard made me cry at the very end.
Just like Dorothy, my Faye clicked her heels three times and left this dreamworld for her real, eternal home. Joy for her, sorrow for me.

I've just returned from a trip to the Niagara Region where I spent time with my family. It was good but it prompted a lot of sadness--not deep grief but sadness.
Faye would have enjoyed it immensely and my family would have loved having my friendly, enthusiastic, servant-hearted and energetic Faye there.
Almost everything can make me sad.

I found great strength in this passage this morning:

Since you became alive again, so to speak, when Christ arose from the dead, now set your sights on the rich treasures and joys of heaven where he sits beside God in the place of honour and power. Let Heaven fill your thoughts; don't spend your time worrying about things down here. You should have as little desire for this world as a dead person does. Your real life is in heaven with Christ and God. And when Christ who is our real life comes back again, you will shine with him and share in all his glories.  Colossians 3:1-4 (TLB)

Can God's people be too heavenly minded? I think not, after all, we're commanded to set our sights on the joys and treasures of Heaven. They are promised. They are real.