An example

Faye was a worker with the heart of a servant. She loved serving needs.

If something needed doing in church she was at the front of the line--always. She was forever bustling about in the kitchen doing whatever needed to be done. And she was more than happy doing that. Helping made her happy.

I don't that gift or that personality but she was a true example.

Missed by many.

Meta post

This is not actually a meta post. I want to write about meta cognition, which can be roughly translated into looking at my thinking from the outside, or thinking about my thinking. If my by any chance anybody reads this don't worry this doesn't mean I'm stuck in anything. All of this relates to thoughts I've had previously about the ways I've changed.

I've noticed of late a tendency to stand outside looking in on various activities. To some degree that's about being an introvert because introverts are good observers. But it has changed and is a little stronger.

It certainly is a symptom of ongoing grief. It's also part of a serious uncertainty about my future and what I want in life and where I'm going to next. My life has changed--absolutely. I'm not just a victim of the sudden death of someone I loved. I'm a healthy man with a future. I'm not absolutely sure what that future will be so I find myself standing on the fringes and observing and thinking and praying.

Having said all that I genuinely understand the need to engage. I am, in some things, and I'm hesitating in others. It won't last forever.

I've also noticed I've become a bit of a jerk. I'm saying that tongue in cheek. I hope others see it the same way but to a significant degree I don't care.

I have virtually no patience with conversations and activities that don't serve me--that don't help me heal, or find joy, or get happier and more productive. So, maaaybe I can seem kind of pissed off at times, or maybe just a little abrupt. I honestly believe my heart is more tender than it was. I honestly don't believe I'm lack compassion but I do--and will--walk away from conversations that don't serve. Please don't be offended.

Faye was always the one who would say no to food that wasn't part of her/our nutritional plan. I was always the one who was too nice to say no. It seems I'm not as nice as I used to be. I will say no to food that doesn't make me mentally, physically, and emotionally stronger.

I've always said the physical first and then the spiritual. I've got to take care of the temple.

Pressing on--please bear with me.

Mark Knopfler - Storybook Love (The Princess Bride Theme Song) Makes me remember

Chris Tomlin - Come Thou Fount (I Will Sing) (Audio)

Come Thou Fount

Oh to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be
Let Thy goodness like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above

The incredible volatility of grief recovery reminds me of these lines from the great hymn Come Thou Fount by Robert Robinson.

My life over the last eight months has made me very aware of my desperate need for God's grace, not only for salvation, but for perseverance. My heart truly is prone to wandering. One day my emotions are strong and healthy, the next day weak and despondent.

I can't make it on the basis of my willpower alone. I can't I'm not strong enough, or good enough, or wise enough. I need the power, love and grace of God every day.

So I ask Him to bind my wandering heart to Him.

Jamie Wilson - "Wayfaring Stranger" (Steamboat Music Fest)

Southern Gospel Revival: Jamie Wilson - I Can't Even Walk

Fond memories

I was thinking fondly of Faye today. Specifically I recalled her love for boards games. She loved board games. It always made her happy when I agreed to spend some time playing a game with her. And she never failed to ask guests if they would like to play a game of dominoes with us.

She was also good. I would complain, with a smile, that she always won. She didn't but she was better at most games than me. I would also tell guests the house rule was that Faye wins.

An evening of game playing was one way I could get her to relax and enjoy herself for an evening. I called her my queen but she was no princess--there was nothing particularly complicated about Faye--sweet innocence and enthusiasm.

Bad days

The up and down nature of grief recovery is wearing on me. It's tiring.

The last couple of days I've been dealing with something akin to despair. Calling it despair is a little on the extreme side but I'm hurting.

And it has to do with the disorder in my life and the failure to develop my business since Faye died.

However strong I am. And however real God has been my emotions are distinctly more fragile than they once were.

But despair or no despair I will press on.

Another low point

Even as my recovery is proceeding as it should this volatile journey I'm on has hit another low point. This time it was prompted by a business disappointment.

It's pretty much the time of disappointment that happens all the time in business but my ability to take in stride has definitely been severely hurt by grief and Faye's absence. In all honesty she wasn't always the best and giving me healthy feedback when I experienced a setback. But she was here. And she loved me and I could hug her when that was necessary. So I don't have the resources I once had.

The disappointment is also aggravated by the fact I'm upset with and lashing myself.

So count reduced reliance as one more aspect of grief.

The observer's chair

It's interesting to look at this journey of grief and healing from the outside looking in. I never know what emotions I might experience on a given day.

Today I'm beating myself up for how my life has been drifting. I firmly believe God has good things in store for me but today I'm down on myself for letting myself gain weight, for my lack of focus, my continuing low level of productive activity and for letting my business slip.

I'm tempted to say I suck. I'm not there and I'm doing that but I do feel unhappy with myself for where my life is at today.

But I will press on.

Honest reflections

I've noticed people tend not to read the blog unless I post onto Facebook. And that's fine, there are times when it's just as well nobody reads it, because it allows me to post honestly but relatively privately. (I know, no blog post is actually private.)

Here are some things I'm noticing as I continue this up and down journey of healing.

Faye used to get on my nerves with her obsession with weight and eating but, as annoying as that was, it kept me on track with my eating. I need to emphasize the fact that over the last few years we have been on the same page in terms of nutrition. I am completely satisfied with following the WildFit regime, which could be called paleo, or hunter-gatherer, or evolutionary, or cyclical ketogenic. But Faye was my conscience. It irritated me to no end but I miss it. And I am tired of getting fatter. In fact I'm embarrassed about my weight gain so losing Faye.

A sense of restlessness or being unsettle continues to grow. I am getting ready for the next phase of my life. I still don't know what that will look like but I'm waiting for it.

The dumbasses in my life, and there are one or two, irritate me more than ever before. On the other hand there's no question I value a few friends more than ever.

I feel an almost desperate need to expand, or even change, my social circle. I honestly don't feel like I fit into my old social circle well. Changes need to be made.

The disorder in my life needs to end. It is part and parcel of grieving so I'm not beating myself up about that but I need to start--step by step--building order in my life.

I've been living off investments. I'm restless in terms of business and finances. I need to start building a business again.

I'm not retired--not even close, even if I was entirely comfortable with my financial situation. (It really isn't bad but I can, and will, make it better.

I'm restless to get productive.

Pressing on.

Jesus is better

Jesus is the pearl of great price described in the parables of the Bible--the pearl that led the man who found it to sell all that he had so that he might possess this one pearl.

To see Jesus in all His beauty is to treasure Him. To treasure Him, truly, for who He is, is to give up everything else for the value of having Jesus.

To see Him as the Great Treasure of life is to see our need and leads to repentance.

To see Him as the Pearl of infinite beauty is to know that nothing else compares. And to know, that Jesus is better.

Money is important. Jesus is better.

Health is important. Jesus is better.

Food is a good thing, Jesus is better and so we can fast from time to time.

I've pondering this thing--looking as deeply within my heart as I can.

Faye was my Queen. She was God's greatest gift to me in this life. I treasured her and I miss her deeply.

Can I, in my moments of silence, say, with absolute certainty, that Jesus is better? That is a hard question--brutally hard but I believe I have to search my heart for the answer.

I think, as much as I miss Faye, I pass the test.

Pressing on to my high call.

Final exercise

I just did the last exercise in The Grief Recovery Handbook https://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/books/grief-recovery-handbook, which was to write a completion letter to Faye.

It is a step toward healing but it definitely ripped the scab off. I'm feeling very emotional right now.

Yes I'm going there

During my journey of healing I find myself regularly finding new territory or having sudden realizations.

My newest revelation is that the time has come---or is at least rapidly approaching--is that I need to find a new social circle and enlarge my circle of friends.

People who have lost a spouse almost always feel abandoned by old friends because those friendships were in relation to a couple, not a single person.

I don't feel abandoned and I'm confident old friends remain my friends, even if they don't quite know how to respond to me as a single man. But I do feel I have moved out of their social circle.

So I need to start reaching out to establish new social circles and, with them, new friends. I know that will take time because I rarely make instant friends but given time, I make good friends.

Two further comments--I have absolutely no resentment, none at all. I appreciate all the good people who care for me.

Second I'm looking for people to hang out with, not for dating relationships. The time for that has not come.

Another shallow post

A load of laundry reminded me of Faye today.

I run through a lot of Kleenex first thing in the morning. And I have a tendency to leave it in my pockets when I through clothing into the laundry.

So this morning I wasted time picking use tissues out of my pile of clean and dry laundry. Faye would have been so upset.

I smile at the memory.

Changes

I've changed and am changing since Faye died. And I'm a little concerned about some of that.

I'm worried that, without Faye in my life, I'm slipping back into single guy selfishness. Faye, my outspoken, outgoing wife, did not let me get away with being self absorbed. And I grew in unselfishness in our 24 years.

I was living intimately with someone else. And that someone was servant hearted. But she's gone. I really need to be careful about this.

Faye also helped ensure I maintained discipline--at least in terms of work that had to be done.

If it is to be it's now up to me.

Growing together

I've often commented about how different Faye and I were. She was an extroverted, high-energy workaholic. I am an introverted, lower energy, and much more inclined to chilling out.

I like spicy food, Faye did not. Faye was frugal, I was much less so. Faye was earnest about everything she did. I have an unfortunate tendency toward being flippant.

Our differences led to clashes from time. Faye rarely let me win an argument.

Over time, however, God worked in our lives to smooth those differences. Looking back over the past few years and I see us being much more alike than different.

Yes, our personalities remained different; however, our mutual faith was much more important than differences.

We both had a love for stretching and growing as people and a dislike for complacency in our lives.

Faye was often teased for being my food nazi. And, yes, she was far more disciplined in her eating habits than I am but we really shared a desire to be healthy and to further our health by our nutritional choices.

We both had an appreciation for entrepreneurship. We both value family and church.

God had us move steadily along the same path.

And so I press on.

The body

I often find myself on the outside looking in at myself in this process of grief recovery. One thing that particularly interests me, and yes I do find myself interested by this, is the connection between the body and emotional recovery.

On July 17, six months to the day I found my Faye gone, I went into a massive back spasm that had me in severe pain for several weeks.

Tuesday, on the day of my first birthday celebrated without Faye in 25 years, I had another back spasm (not nearly as bad but still a spasm nonetheless).

My chiropractor has told me that men feel stress in their hips and lower back, which is where I felt my pain, while women tend to feel stress in their shoulders. I have no idea if that is true but it certainly seems to be true for me.

And it makes me think that as good as I'm starting to feel I have still have grief working its way on my body.

That makes sense to me. I firmly believe emotional healing is strongly connected to physical well being and physical well being is strongly connected to emotional well being.

So I am committed to caring for my body. As I pray, and seek God, and trust Him I also care for the body He has given to me.

God created the physical universe and called it good. Our bodies matter to God and how we treat them matters to Him.

Eating right and exercise and getting proper rest are vital.

I will press on.

Makes me smile

It's odd the things that make me think about Faye and miss her. For instance, I always think of her when I make a particularly good dinner. I find myself wishing she was enjoying it with me.

On Sunday I did a rib eye steak in my smoker and it turned out really well. In fact I would honestly say the steak was spectacular. And, as always happens, I found myself wishing I could share it with Faye.

But she probably would have insisted one steak is enough for both of us. In fact, she may well have decided it was enough for three dinners. ;)

Nobody's perfect.

Light is shining

Today is my 65th birthday and my Faye is not here to celebrate with me.

That aside, I'm feeling better than I have since the day she died. I know more ups and downs will come--but something has changed and I'm grateful and enjoying it today.

Pressing on.