This is not actually a meta post. I want to write about meta cognition, which can be roughly translated into looking at my thinking from the outside, or thinking about my thinking. If my by any chance anybody reads this don't worry this doesn't mean I'm stuck in anything. All of this relates to thoughts I've had previously about the ways I've changed.
I've noticed of late a tendency to stand outside looking in on various activities. To some degree that's about being an introvert because introverts are good observers. But it has changed and is a little stronger.
It certainly is a symptom of ongoing grief. It's also part of a serious uncertainty about my future and what I want in life and where I'm going to next. My life has changed--absolutely. I'm not just a victim of the sudden death of someone I loved. I'm a healthy man with a future. I'm not absolutely sure what that future will be so I find myself standing on the fringes and observing and thinking and praying.
Having said all that I genuinely understand the need to engage. I am, in some things, and I'm hesitating in others. It won't last forever.
I've also noticed I've become a bit of a jerk. I'm saying that tongue in cheek. I hope others see it the same way but to a significant degree I don't care.
I have virtually no patience with conversations and activities that don't serve me--that don't help me heal, or find joy, or get happier and more productive. So, maaaybe I can seem kind of pissed off at times, or maybe just a little abrupt. I honestly believe my heart is more tender than it was. I honestly don't believe I'm lack compassion but I do--and will--walk away from conversations that don't serve. Please don't be offended.
Faye was always the one who would say no to food that wasn't part of her/our nutritional plan. I was always the one who was too nice to say no. It seems I'm not as nice as I used to be. I will say no to food that doesn't make me mentally, physically, and emotionally stronger.
I've always said the physical first and then the spiritual. I've got to take care of the temple.
Pressing on--please bear with me.
This makes so much sense to me right now! I lost my husband instantly 2 years 8 months ago. The first year was grieving signs I was aware of, the second year seemed less heavy but changed me the most. My best friend has been making endless comments about how I've changed...and it's almost always about my absolute lack of patience with any social gathering or conversation that I don't feel fully interested in.I can no longer do things for the sake of it, or say yes to avoid offending someone. It's a no without the blinking of an eye, and when it's a yes, it's just as emphatic. Thanks for sharing your healing process.
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