Thursday, January 31, 2019

A random thought

I'm still enjoying the renewed happiness and peace I've experienced over the last few days.
God has blessed me with His grace.

But I've pondering something about my Faye.

Over the last few years she was in subtle ways not quite herself--not the busy but fundamentally cheerful person she had always been. It is entirely possible that I was the only one who noticed it, but I did notice.

Faye's beautiful smile was always ready. But it seemed I needed to ask her to smile for me. I heard her amazing laugh often--but not often anymore when it was just the two of us.

Busy-ness, to the point of workaholism, had always been part of her character. But I don't think it was making her happy any more. It was making her stressed and had her beating herself up for not working hard enough and possibly for not being smart enough.

It appeared she didn't think the wonderful, genuinely friendly, open hearted person she was, simply wasn't good. She was good enough.

It troubles me, if she didn't think. And, no, this isn't about me feeling guilty about something.

Tuesday, January 29, 2019

I'm suspicious

I had something suspicious happen this morning. That picture on the left--that's me, looking like I'm suspicious about something.

Anyhow, something unexpected was happening. And I was suspicious.

That something that was making suspicious was that I was happy. Now I've had lots of days when I've awakened okay, or even pretty good. But today I awakened happy--kind of like Ebenezer Scrooge on Christmas morning. (That's the redeemed Ebenezer on the right.) I was H-A-P-P-Y. I still am, as I write, by the way.

I was looking forward to the day ahead. I was looking forward to a productive day. I was feeling good.

I haven't started a day feeling like this in 377 days. So I was suspicious. My eyes are narrowing as I write.

What was going on? I don't remember feeling this good. There must be something wrong for me to feel this happy. When was I going to get kicked in the groin again?*

Nothing was wrong. I'm genuinely happy today. God has blessed me with joy on this day. And I am embracing it.

I know that tangled ball of yarn that represents my emotions will bring up sadness again. But this day, God has blessed me with joy. And I am grateful.

*That was my dry sense of humour at play.

In all seriousness. I'm happy today.

And I press on.

Monday, January 28, 2019

A new twist

Since the end of my first year without Faye my life has taken another turn--into a burst of hope and optimism greater than any I have experienced in the last year and a bit.

I know the tangled ball of yarn will spit out another emotion soon enough but I'm feeling ready for life, productivity and growth again.

I mentioned a little while ago that my word for 2019 is simplify. And I am working hard at removing the clutter from my life.

But maybe I need to somehow add life that. I intend to live. And I will live.

Pressing on.

Thursday, January 24, 2019

Body and spirit

Body and spirit are woven together. Emotional health physical are connected.

I've been reminded of this truth, in a very strong way, twice now. I had a severe back spasm starting on July 17. That was significant because it was six months to day after Faye died.

I had another, less severe, back spasm start Jan, 17, this year--exactly a year to the day Faye died.

So, yep, I believe emotional and spiritual health are connected.

That's why I believe taking care of my body is profoundly important to restoring emotional health. Doing what I need to do to be healthy is actually I concrete thing I can do to get healthier emotionally.

I'm embarrassed by the amount of weight I've gained since I lost Faye. Now she was my diet monitor. And the weight gain has been caused in part by the fact I don't have Faye keeping after me to eat right. But I do now how to eat right. It's been a matter of caring enough to do it. Frankly over the last year I haven't cared a lot about my health.

And that causes a downward spiral. My emotions leave my indifferent to eating properly. Eating badly weakens me emotionally, which makes me without the discipline I need to eat properly.

That can change. In fact, it must change. And it has changed. I need to take control again--inch by inch, day by day.

And I do have support in this process, for which I am very grateful. And I do have people who can hold me accountable, for which I am grateful myself.

Body first, and then the spirit. I believe that. And I press on.

Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Embracing the scar--an optimistic post, honestly

It has been 371 days now since I lost my Queen.

Faye's presence in my life for 24 years changed me for the better. Her lost left me scarred. And I will always bear that scar.

Having said that I firmly believe it is time to actively start living again. And I believe the scar will not impair my life. I will know it's there but it will not hold me back. I will live. I will know joy. I will press on.

And I will embrace the scar.

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

A memory that made me smile

I saw a mouse in the house today. It made me smile, not because I like mice or find them to be cute or amusing or any such things. I will certainly be mouse trap hunting today. But it reminded.

Faye hated mice with a passion. In fact she was terrified of mice.

One evening, shortly after we moved into our house in Alberta, I was getting ready for bed when I heard Faye shrieking in the kitchen. I thought she had some kind of accident, but when I went into the kitchen she was standing on the island screaming about a mouse. Now, I am not afraid of mice. I don't like them but they don't terrify but Faye had me a little freaked out.

The good news is we laid out a trap and we got the little beast, which got a freaked out Faye calling me to dispose of the body.

That's what always amused me. Faye was a nurse. She handled bodily fluids I wouldn't dream of touching but a dead mouse was outside her comfort zone. :)

I did fulfill a purpose in her life. :) :)

Monday, January 21, 2019

An example

Faye changed my life for the better in many ways. (I believe I impacted her positively as well.)

I want to talk, specifically about one way she was an example--and that was her boldness in talking to people.

Faye would talk to anybody, about anything. And that wasn't without elements of fear, often related to self image. But even if she was reluctant, she would obey the leading of the Spirit. And, yes, I believe she was more often than not led by the Spirit.

And she was persistent. She didn't give up until she was told the stop. I'm not even she always quit then at least she never did with me. :)

The thing is she was motivated by love. Most people, not all, but most, could see her heart in her persistence and they were impacted positively by her.

Og Mandino, of The Greatest Salesman in the World, has a scroll saying "I will great this day with love in my heart". That capture Faye.

I was blessed to have my persistent, outgoing, bold lady in my life for 24 years.

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Face washing time

I think I need to repeat something I've said before. These blog posts are, by choice, as honest as I can possibly be. That means I talk about the realities of going through grief but there is more to me than grieving. And they are a snapshot--my life is constantly moving and changing as are my emotions.
I am more than sadness I am healing and I will heal.

In 2 Samuel chapter 12 King David is on his facing weeping and praying for the life of his son--born to Bathsheba. When the boy dies his servants, filled with fear, tell him the truth. David responds by getting up, eating and washing his face and anointing his body.

Tomorrow it will be one year to the day my beautiful Faye died. After that I feel the time is coming for me to wash my face, anoint my body and live again.

Some traditions call for one year and one day of formal grieving. It make sense to me as it acknowledges the impact of loss and the need to grieve. It also makes sense to go through one full year.

Will it be as easy as all that to move on--no way. And the truth is grief has no time line. But something is shifting within me. I feel the call of new life.

Pressing on to my high call.

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Fresh turmoil

The dread anniversary is two days away--Faye died exactly one year ago Thursday--and my emotions are in turmoil.

Let's see irritability is strong, sadness and yet hope and faith and curiosity about what the future holds. I have to admit my irritability is strong enough I think I need to stay away from people for a couple of days. But I need people and I know that. I guess I'm a little confused.

Interesting to observe, if I could observe rather than live it. Living it is the hard part.

Yet I press on seeking my high call in Jesus Christ.

Monday, January 14, 2019

Is God a gentleman ?

I want to get into something that might be a little challenging. I write this in the interest of being completely honest on this blog.

Please don't think this post reflects entirely who I am and what I believe. It's a difficult issue and I want to talk about.

The question is--is God a gentleman. I hear preachers often express that sentiment about God. Depending on how people define gentleman I'm not sure I agree. No, that's wussing out. I don't agree--depending on the definition of gentleman.

God the Son was certainly not a gentleman when he knocked Saul--later the Apostle Paul--off his horse while he was on the road to Damascus.

He wasn't a gentleman when God the Son confronted the pharisees during his earthly ministry. I wouldn't say he was particularly a gentleman when He called His disciples to follow Him. He told them to follow and they followed.

God wasn't a gentleman when he met the people of Israel at Mount Zion. They saw the fire, they heard the sound of the trumpet and they were afraid.

The God who describes Himself as a consuming fire isn't particularly a gentleman.

Here's the thing. And I am going to open a vein and bleed a bit here. I'm not sure I would say God has been particularly a gentleman with me over the past year. If that thought makes you concerned for me, or bothers you, please read on.

God is absolutely trustworthy. And I trust Him.

He is love in a person. And I have seen His beauty and felt His love. Although I fall short I desire to respond to Him in love and with love.  I have complete confidence his actions in my life are motivated by love--even when I do not understand.

God is a god of grace--pouring out His grace on a broken and needy world. And I need His grace. And I call out for His grace--every single day.

God is a consuming fire. And I know His people will emerge on the other side of the fire with more life than they had entering in.

God is trustworthy. He is absolutely, unconditionally, worthy of my trust. And I trust, even when my world has turned upside down.

I am accountable to God. He is not accountable to me. And I desire live for Him and submit to Him.

But is God a gentleman? Sorry if this thought offends you but I'm sure about that sentiment. I'm sure about God--not sure about that.

Pressing on in my fight for joy.

Friday, January 11, 2019

Secondary effects

Grief has secondary effects.

In other words, things, activities, memories that trigger grief, even if they are not directly related to the person one lost.

I would also class things lost because you lost, in my case, your spouse as secondary effects. For instance I have nobody knitting sweaters for me anymore.

One of the things I'm missing desperately is having Faye as my dietary accountability partner.
Sometimes she could get on my nerves. I know, that is surprising but at the end of the day we were on the same page when it came to nutrition.

We were agreed about how to eat Faye was simply more stubborn and outspoken. (As an aside if you want to piss me off big time hint, just hint, that Faye was forcing me to eat in a way I didn't want to eat.)

Now over the last 359 days I've gained an embarrassing amount of weight and I am upset with myself. It is time to get back on track with my health but, frankly, I am worried about my ability to do that.

Having said that I press on.

Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Brain lint

I'm going to pick at some brain lint today. I don't usually do that but there's something I've been pondering today and I want to put that pondering in writing.

The question I have for myself is whether or not I'm angry at Faye.

The only reason I consider that question at all is that I often come home to my empty house and ask Faye what in the world she was thinking about in leaving without saying goodbye.

Doesn't she know that my life is a bit of a mess right now?

I ask those questions with a sad smile but I press on.

Tuesday, January 8, 2019

Southern Gospel Revival: Jamie Wilson - I Can't Even Walk--truer than ever

Simplicity

At the start of every year I seek the Lord for a keyword for the year--one word to focus on.

The word for 2018 was praise. And it was a challenging word indeed. Praise became a hard thing on January 17, the day I lost Faye. But, by God's grace I was able to press on. And the discipline of praise--every day--made a difference in my life. Pressing in to praising God regardless of circumstances has brought about growth and hope for joy.

My one word for 2018 is simplicity. Faye's brother Don actually advised me to simplify in a note passed on the day of her memorial service.

Simplicity might even be harder for me than praise. My life is cluttered with debris in almost every area of my life--much of it from the fallout of losing my Queen.

Let me explain the picture. It's from the movie The Avengers Infinity War. I am far from a comic book superhero geek by any means but I've been watching the movie off and on lately. It's been off and on because of my modest interest.

There's scene when The Guardians of the Galaxy (I have no way of explaining who they are--sorry) pass through the debris of a planet destroyed by super villain Thanos. Thor ends up splatting against the window of the Guardian spaceship.

I can relate. I am living with debris all around me.

My house is a mess. My eating habits are a mess. My time usage is a mess. I am living in debris. It is time for me to strip off all that clutter and simplify focussing on the things that matter and leaving aside junk that does not matter.

That will make it possible for me to again live fully as God intends. It's not easy but inch by inch, step by step I will do it.

Pressing on.

Monday, January 7, 2019

I will rise

Recently I've been listening a lot to a song called I Will Rise by Sara Petite.

The lyrics resonate with me:

I've been heartbroken,
Humbled and crippled by fear
All I've got to show is I'm still standing here.
I will rise

My heart was broken 355 days ago. There has been healing but my heart is broken.
And yes I've been humbled by the experience--by the revelation of my desperate need for people and for grace.
And, yes, I've been crippled by fear. Will I heal? Will I build a new life without Faye?
BUT I'm still standing and I will rise.

I love music and I will rise.

Pressing on.

Thursday, January 3, 2019

Anniversary approaching

It is approaching one year since Faye died. I am remembering lasts.

what can I say about year number one without Faye?

Yes, I am lost without her. I am absolutely confident I will rebuild my life. God is with me. My purposes remain. But everything is different.

This last year has been lived, partially at least, in a fog. Not completely but I have little focus and virtually no productivity.

The upcoming year will be, needs to be, one in which my vision and focus is restored.

I fully expect my work ethic and productivity will tick upward. And I will, with discipline start rebuilding my life.

My keyword for this year is simplify. I need to drop off unnecessary weights and focus on priorities and what God would have me do.

Pressing on.