Faye had severe insomnia. She had prodigious energy, but she had insomnia.
Sometimes she would wait in bed for me to wake up so we could pray together but often she would get out of bed at 2 or 3 in the morning.
The reason I'm writing--or thinking--about this is somethings I've learned recently about the importance of sleep to health.
In fact there is evidently a connection between insomnia and heart disease. So I wonder did her insomnia damage her heart, or was her insomnia a symptom of an underlying illness?
Just wondering.
Saturday, June 30, 2018
Friday, June 29, 2018
New heart
One of the many changes in my life since that dreadful day is that my heart is more tender. I have a deeper hunger for God and I'm more sensitive than I have ever been.
I am absolutely confident that God is in this and I need to be afraid of it.
I am absolutely confident that God is in this and I need to be afraid of it.
Wednesday, June 27, 2018
Embracing the suck
The state of my heart has changed. It is more sensitive to pain than I can remember it ever being. This morning I felt the Lord tell me to embrace the suck.
But I also felt he was telling me that not every or heart ache is about my grief or the loss of my Faye. And that He is back of that change so accept it and flow with it.
But I also felt he was telling me that not every or heart ache is about my grief or the loss of my Faye. And that He is back of that change so accept it and flow with it.
Tuesday, June 26, 2018
Monday, June 25, 2018
All things
As I go through the waves of grief, lessening in intensity over time, I have to remind myself that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord, who are called according to His purpose.
I cannot, I will not, surrender to despair, or the lie that life and death are without purpose.
I cannot, I will not, surrender to despair, or the lie that life and death are without purpose.
Sunday, June 24, 2018
Here is Love Vast as the Ocean.
The song in the previous post was called the love song of the Welsh Revival. I watched that video over and over again in the weeks following Faye's death.
Saturday, June 23, 2018
Friday, June 22, 2018
My Faye
The Virtuous Wife
10 Who[c] can find a [d]virtuous wife?
For her worth is far above rubies.
11 The heart of her husband safely trusts her;
So he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
13 She seeks wool and flax,
And willingly works with her hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
She brings her food from afar.
15 She also rises while it is yet night,
And provides food for her household,
And a portion for her maidservants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
From [e]her profits she plants a vineyard.
17 She girds herself with strength,
And strengthens her arms.
18 She perceives that her merchandise is good,
And her lamp does not go out by night.
19 She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hand holds the spindle.
20 She extends her hand to the poor,
Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of snow for her household,
For all her household is clothed with scarlet.
22 She makes tapestry for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies sashes for the merchants.
25 Strength and honor are her clothing;
She shall rejoice in time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue is the law of kindness.
27 She watches over the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
Her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many daughters have done well,
But you excel them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
And let her own works praise her in the gates.
For her worth is far above rubies.
11 The heart of her husband safely trusts her;
So he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
13 She seeks wool and flax,
And willingly works with her hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
She brings her food from afar.
15 She also rises while it is yet night,
And provides food for her household,
And a portion for her maidservants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
From [e]her profits she plants a vineyard.
17 She girds herself with strength,
And strengthens her arms.
18 She perceives that her merchandise is good,
And her lamp does not go out by night.
19 She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hand holds the spindle.
20 She extends her hand to the poor,
Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of snow for her household,
For all her household is clothed with scarlet.
22 She makes tapestry for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies sashes for the merchants.
25 Strength and honor are her clothing;
She shall rejoice in time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue is the law of kindness.
27 She watches over the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
Her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many daughters have done well,
But you excel them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
And let her own works praise her in the gates.
This passage describes my Faye. This is her--big time, hard core. Her persistence may have been annoying to some people. :) But in truth she blessed and served everyone she met. That was her beautiful heart.
Thursday, June 21, 2018
A servant's heart
I attended the Annual General Meeting of our church (Lighthouse Church) last night to hear Faye's name mentioned several times. She is missed.
Of course her energy is missed but also, specifically, her gift of service. She was willing to do anything that needed to be done. If the nursery or children's ministry needed a hand, her's were available. If a meal was being prepared she was in the kitchen pitching in. If the greeting ministry needed a hand, she was at the front door welcoming everybody with her beautiful smile and a hug.
I wish I could tell her, again, how proud I was of her. Her heart for service touched many people and it was an example for me/
Of course her energy is missed but also, specifically, her gift of service. She was willing to do anything that needed to be done. If the nursery or children's ministry needed a hand, her's were available. If a meal was being prepared she was in the kitchen pitching in. If the greeting ministry needed a hand, she was at the front door welcoming everybody with her beautiful smile and a hug.
I wish I could tell her, again, how proud I was of her. Her heart for service touched many people and it was an example for me/
Wednesday, June 20, 2018
Pure heart
I had tea with a man yesterday who loved Faye and grieved with me when she died.
He described as a woman too pure for the earth. She wasn't quite that but she was a genuine pure heart.
Faye was a woman without guile--truly. There was nothing deceptive about my Faye, which made her open to teasing all her life. People teased Faye because they liked her but also because she was innocent and trusting. She took people at their word.
I've always said she had the most beautiful smile in the world. Her smile was beautiful because it came from the heart and involved her whole face including her eyes. It wasn't just with her lips, it was her whole face so people knew it was genuine.
Faye could get annoying with her persistence but people would never hold anything against her for any length of time because of the sweetness of her heart.
I don't know what physical age people will be in Heaven. Mostly I suspect the deterioration of age will be repaired but I think laugh lines should be retained. Faye earned those with the sweetness of her heart.
He described as a woman too pure for the earth. She wasn't quite that but she was a genuine pure heart.
Faye was a woman without guile--truly. There was nothing deceptive about my Faye, which made her open to teasing all her life. People teased Faye because they liked her but also because she was innocent and trusting. She took people at their word.
I've always said she had the most beautiful smile in the world. Her smile was beautiful because it came from the heart and involved her whole face including her eyes. It wasn't just with her lips, it was her whole face so people knew it was genuine.
Faye could get annoying with her persistence but people would never hold anything against her for any length of time because of the sweetness of her heart.
I don't know what physical age people will be in Heaven. Mostly I suspect the deterioration of age will be repaired but I think laugh lines should be retained. Faye earned those with the sweetness of her heart.
Tuesday, June 19, 2018
Faye's enthusiasm
Faye had a business--marketing a water system produced and sold by a company called Enagic. The machine is called a Kangen machine.
She put all her remarkable energy and enthusiasm into her business. She put everything she had into it. Everybody, and I mean everybody, knew what my Faye was up to.
Faye met with a lot of frustration. And it was my honour to help walk her through those frustrations but I had nothing but love and admiration for her commitment.
I do have a question for her. Is the water sweeter on the other side?
She put all her remarkable energy and enthusiasm into her business. She put everything she had into it. Everybody, and I mean everybody, knew what my Faye was up to.
Faye met with a lot of frustration. And it was my honour to help walk her through those frustrations but I had nothing but love and admiration for her commitment.
I do have a question for her. Is the water sweeter on the other side?
Sunday, June 17, 2018
Saturday, June 16, 2018
Friday, June 15, 2018
Flash back
In the weeks after Faye's death I was troubled, deeply troubled, by worries about her last months.
I brooded about the possibility she was cold (she was wearing her little socks she wore to keep her feet warm). I brought about the possibility she was afraid, or lonely, or wanted to call me to be with her.
Then I had a mental image of her going to the kitchen to fill up her Bubba bottle with water. As she finishes filling up her jug, she feels something, and she hears something. Jesus is reaching out his hand to her. She looks back, briefly, wondering. And then she takes his hand and he takes her as she goes, she begins to smile, and smile, and smile every more gloriously.
She is home.
I miss her, but she is home.
I brooded about the possibility she was cold (she was wearing her little socks she wore to keep her feet warm). I brought about the possibility she was afraid, or lonely, or wanted to call me to be with her.
Then I had a mental image of her going to the kitchen to fill up her Bubba bottle with water. As she finishes filling up her jug, she feels something, and she hears something. Jesus is reaching out his hand to her. She looks back, briefly, wondering. And then she takes his hand and he takes her as she goes, she begins to smile, and smile, and smile every more gloriously.
She is home.
I miss her, but she is home.
Thursday, June 14, 2018
The patterns of grief
I had a bad day yesterday.
I was having flash backs to the moment I found Faye and the emotions of that moment pretty much all day. I was also having painful and sweet memories of my lady all day. And so I was sadder than I had been in a couple of months at least.
However, I was prepared. I was ready. I already know, and knew, that there is an an ebb flow in healing from the desperate pain of losing the person I love most in the world. The upward climb is a daily, inch by inch, process and sometimes I will slide back downwards.
No, let me correct that often there is a slip. It's like one of those stock market charts--many serious dips, even collapses but over time steady upward progress. And so my low point yesterday was not as low as the low points of a month ago. I was actually able to keep functioning yesterday. There would have been a time when that would not have been possible.
Climbing this mountain of mine is a lifetime process--truly, lifetime. In it I need to keep going, never ultimately surrendering, or giving up.
God is with me, this I know.
I was having flash backs to the moment I found Faye and the emotions of that moment pretty much all day. I was also having painful and sweet memories of my lady all day. And so I was sadder than I had been in a couple of months at least.
However, I was prepared. I was ready. I already know, and knew, that there is an an ebb flow in healing from the desperate pain of losing the person I love most in the world. The upward climb is a daily, inch by inch, process and sometimes I will slide back downwards.
No, let me correct that often there is a slip. It's like one of those stock market charts--many serious dips, even collapses but over time steady upward progress. And so my low point yesterday was not as low as the low points of a month ago. I was actually able to keep functioning yesterday. There would have been a time when that would not have been possible.
Climbing this mountain of mine is a lifetime process--truly, lifetime. In it I need to keep going, never ultimately surrendering, or giving up.
God is with me, this I know.
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
Caring for the body
I still miss my Faye desperately. I think about her when I wake; I think about her when I go to bed.
I miss her energy. I miss her enthusiasm. I miss her smile and her laughter.
But by God's infinite love and grace I know I'm healing and getting life back. I give credit to the power of prayer (my own and that of many others) and times of praise. I give credit to encouragement from others, times of sharing my sorrow and the comfort of others.
However, I also give credit to hugs and to a process of caring for my body.
After the Lord finished the process of creation he pronounced what He created to be good. He looked at the material world and called it good. He looked at the creation of humanity--physical/spiritual beings and called it good.
My body--flesh, blood, bone, synapses, nerves--is pronounced good by the Living God. Caring for it is good.
Caring for my body--through deliberate exercise and proper nutrition and time in the sun and with people is a necessary part of healing from grief. In fact, in my case, attending to the physical was my first step to returning to hope and happiness.
In fact I firmly belief in physical first, then the spiritual.
God made the material universe and called it good. He made the body and called it.
To Him be the glory.
I miss her energy. I miss her enthusiasm. I miss her smile and her laughter.
But by God's infinite love and grace I know I'm healing and getting life back. I give credit to the power of prayer (my own and that of many others) and times of praise. I give credit to encouragement from others, times of sharing my sorrow and the comfort of others.
However, I also give credit to hugs and to a process of caring for my body.
After the Lord finished the process of creation he pronounced what He created to be good. He looked at the material world and called it good. He looked at the creation of humanity--physical/spiritual beings and called it good.
My body--flesh, blood, bone, synapses, nerves--is pronounced good by the Living God. Caring for it is good.
Caring for my body--through deliberate exercise and proper nutrition and time in the sun and with people is a necessary part of healing from grief. In fact, in my case, attending to the physical was my first step to returning to hope and happiness.
In fact I firmly belief in physical first, then the spiritual.
God made the material universe and called it good. He made the body and called it.
To Him be the glory.
Monday, June 11, 2018
Last words
The last text message I ever received from Faye was "where are you?"
I was a little later getting home than she expected but Faye was never a needy person. She had been miserable with the flu, but still, she was usually needy.
Did she know? Did she know, somehow, this would be our last night together on this earth?
I've always wondered about that.
I was a little later getting home than she expected but Faye was never a needy person. She had been miserable with the flu, but still, she was usually needy.
Did she know? Did she know, somehow, this would be our last night together on this earth?
I've always wondered about that.
Friday, June 8, 2018
Fond memories
I gave a speech at Toastmasters last night. I genuinely love speaking. It energizes me--the whole process energizes. And I think I'm pretty good at it.
Faye brought me into the Toastmasters Club. I remember her agonizing for hours in preparing a seven-minute speech.
But I had great admiration for her willingness to learn something she wasn't good at and didn't particularly enjoy. And I loved her for her earnestness. She was deeply and genuinely earnest about everything she did.
In that, my Faye was an example to me.
Thank You Lord.
Faye brought me into the Toastmasters Club. I remember her agonizing for hours in preparing a seven-minute speech.
But I had great admiration for her willingness to learn something she wasn't good at and didn't particularly enjoy. And I loved her for her earnestness. She was deeply and genuinely earnest about everything she did.
In that, my Faye was an example to me.
Thank You Lord.
Thursday, June 7, 2018
This is a journey
This grief recovery process truly is a journey--with many twists and turns and challenges.
I've come a long way but I still can be surprised by sadness--like I was today.
I miss her smile so much.
I've come a long way but I still can be surprised by sadness--like I was today.
I miss her smile so much.
Wednesday, June 6, 2018
Changes
John Pipe speaks of God's frowning providence granted to make us into what He wants us to be.
I believe Faye's sudden death was an example of that very frowning providence. It is--and has--changed me. I don't only mean my life has changed. I mean I have changed and I expect I will change more.
My heart is more tender. My emotions are much closer to the surface than they used to be.
Living according to the values God has planted in my heart are more important than they have ever been.
On the flip side I'm much less prepared to live my life according to the values of other people.
I'm significantly more impatient with events that don't offer value.
On the flip side it is much more important to me that I offer value.
I have no time for meaningless nonsense.
My priorities have changed.
The people in my life are more important than they have ever been.
I'm more prepared to say no to things I don't want to do.
I believe I'm less concerned about the opinions of other people. And I'm growing ever more unconcerned.
I'm less willing to go along with stuff that doesn't provide benefit to me spiritually, emotionally or physical.
I'm determined to be happy to the Glory of God.
I believe Faye's sudden death was an example of that very frowning providence. It is--and has--changed me. I don't only mean my life has changed. I mean I have changed and I expect I will change more.
My heart is more tender. My emotions are much closer to the surface than they used to be.
Living according to the values God has planted in my heart are more important than they have ever been.
On the flip side I'm much less prepared to live my life according to the values of other people.
I'm significantly more impatient with events that don't offer value.
On the flip side it is much more important to me that I offer value.
I have no time for meaningless nonsense.
My priorities have changed.
The people in my life are more important than they have ever been.
I'm more prepared to say no to things I don't want to do.
I believe I'm less concerned about the opinions of other people. And I'm growing ever more unconcerned.
I'm less willing to go along with stuff that doesn't provide benefit to me spiritually, emotionally or physical.
I'm determined to be happy to the Glory of God.
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
Monday, June 4, 2018
Changes
I feel--and, yes, this is just a feeling--that I'm a different person today than I was January 16. I've changed.
Faye's sudden and absolutely unexpected death changed me. It wasn't just my life that changed, and it has, I have changed.
Faye's death was my Ford of Jabbok experience. That was where Jacob met God and wrestled with Him through the night. The experience ended with God touching Jacob's hip and leaving him with a limp for the rest of his life. And then God changed Jacob's name to Israel.
I've been left with a limp and my name has been changed.
I have only the vaguest idea about what this means in practice but I have to embrace it. I'm convinced of that.
I feel my heart has become more tender and tears will come more easily, but not just because of my grief.
Life and living well will become more important to me. And I already have a deeper awareness of and passion for Heaven, and not just because of my hope of a reunion with my lady.
My priorities are already changing. I thinking living by God values all the time is becoming more profoundly important.
The fear of man is breaking, I still have a long way to go but it's coming. And that, of course, will affect my day to day decisions.
There will be many practical changes coming. Will I be living somewhere I didn't expect to live? Possibly. Will my occupations change? Quite likely.
I need to be careful that I don't make changes out of confused emotions but when the time comes for decisions I will say yes to God.
Faye's sudden and absolutely unexpected death changed me. It wasn't just my life that changed, and it has, I have changed.
Faye's death was my Ford of Jabbok experience. That was where Jacob met God and wrestled with Him through the night. The experience ended with God touching Jacob's hip and leaving him with a limp for the rest of his life. And then God changed Jacob's name to Israel.
I've been left with a limp and my name has been changed.
I have only the vaguest idea about what this means in practice but I have to embrace it. I'm convinced of that.
I feel my heart has become more tender and tears will come more easily, but not just because of my grief.
Life and living well will become more important to me. And I already have a deeper awareness of and passion for Heaven, and not just because of my hope of a reunion with my lady.
My priorities are already changing. I thinking living by God values all the time is becoming more profoundly important.
The fear of man is breaking, I still have a long way to go but it's coming. And that, of course, will affect my day to day decisions.
There will be many practical changes coming. Will I be living somewhere I didn't expect to live? Possibly. Will my occupations change? Quite likely.
I need to be careful that I don't make changes out of confused emotions but when the time comes for decisions I will say yes to God.
Sunday, June 3, 2018
I declare
That on this morning I choose to live. I remember my Faye with great sweetness and sadness at her passing.
But I choose to live. I choose to live with joy and purpose and my heart set on God.
And this, I believe, is according to the will and purposes of God.
I choose to live.
But I choose to live. I choose to live with joy and purpose and my heart set on God.
And this, I believe, is according to the will and purposes of God.
I choose to live.
Saturday, June 2, 2018
My great lady
Faye was a true extrovert--perhaps a 10 out of 10 on that scale. She was also genuinely and sincerely friendly. I don't believe all extroverts are genuinely friendly--some extroverts are more concerned with impressing others and dominating all conversation than they are with loving others. Faye was one of those who used her natural extroversion to love others. So to know Faye was to love her.
In fact, I'm confident she's loving being with people in Heaven right now.
Sometimes her desperate attempts to build a business got in the way of people perceiving the pureness of her heart. And that actually hampered her attempts to turn friends into customers. But when people were allowed past that they couldn't help but love.
Missing her daily.
In fact, I'm confident she's loving being with people in Heaven right now.
Sometimes her desperate attempts to build a business got in the way of people perceiving the pureness of her heart. And that actually hampered her attempts to turn friends into customers. But when people were allowed past that they couldn't help but love.
Missing her daily.
Friday, June 1, 2018
What I've lost
In the lost of my beautiful wife I've lost a lot of other things.
I've lost the one who kept our house in order.
I've lost the one who helped me fight the fight against procrastination.
I've lost the one who knit sweaters for me.
I've lost the one who took care of our bills.
I've lost the one who knew where she wanted to go with the garden.
I've lost the one who needed me.
I've lost the one who did more than half the cooking.
I've lost the one who ensured our house was an active house.
I've lost the one who invited people into our house.
I've lost the one who balanced my introversion with her extroversion.
How I miss her.
I've lost the one who kept our house in order.
I've lost the one who helped me fight the fight against procrastination.
I've lost the one who knit sweaters for me.
I've lost the one who took care of our bills.
I've lost the one who knew where she wanted to go with the garden.
I've lost the one who needed me.
I've lost the one who did more than half the cooking.
I've lost the one who ensured our house was an active house.
I've lost the one who invited people into our house.
I've lost the one who balanced my introversion with her extroversion.
How I miss her.
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