More fallout

The loss of a spouse creates a wide range of fallout--beyond the grief itself.

For instance shared household responsibilities are no longer shared--there's no one to share them with.  So the one left behind is forced to do things they didn't do previously, or take complete responsibility for something they shared. All that, of course, adds to the loneliness, the sense of loss and the disarray coming from that loss.

The fallout from Faye's death includes, in my case, weight gain. Some people lose weight when grieving, others, like me, gain weight.

Faye was my nutritional conscience.
Yes, she didn't hesitate to talk about it if she thought I was getting off course. And she was very disciplined in her eating habits.

But she was so much more than that. She was my partner in health. We were on the same page. And when I lost her I frankly got lost in terms of my goals for health and fitness. I came unglued.

For months after that dreadful day I honestly didn't give a rip. My give a rip button was broken. Now it's flickering on and off. There's so much involved in that, including the lack of joy in eating alone. Every time I make a good meal I find myself wishing Faye was enjoying it with me. Obviously laziness and lack of discipline plays in as well.

But here I am now--fat and unhappy about it. And I can't help but think how upset Faye would be if she was here. Although she could hardly be unhappier about it than I am.

So what do I do about it?

I know what to do. I know how to eat. I do know how to take care of myself. So I need to take action on doing what I know to do. I need to start enjoying healthy meals. I need to set aside time to prepare food. And I can't get anywhere beating myself up about it.

The past is past. Time to control. And I need understand--and I do--inch by inch, inch by inch and step by step. This mountain too, will be mine.

Pressing on.