I've begun to feel a strange restlessness, or a sense of being unsettled or even slightly uncomfortable with my world as it stands right now. The world doesn't seem quite right to me. And this isn't all about the loss of Faye or grief.
Rather than being a grief symptom this restlessness is more like the way a wound starts itching as it heals. The reality is that I will have more ups and downs and low points as time moves on but I think this strange new feeling is about healing and recovery, not about grief directly.
I'm getting ready to embrace something new, but what? I for sure don't know right now but I'm being prepared.
Pressing on to my high call.
Friday, August 31, 2018
Wednesday, August 29, 2018
Multi level grief
I'm working through a book called The Grief Recovery Handbook and I'm finding it to be very helpful.
One of the exercises is a grief timeline, which I did a few days ago. A second exercise could be called completing relationship.
As grieving people explore their grief timeline they may be surprised at how often they have been struck by grief. It will not only be about the death of people they love but a lot of other stressful, grieving situations.
Let's see there could be divorce, rejection, business failure and moves away from friends and family.
My discovery is that grief is multi-layered. As sharp and painful as Faye's death has been it is layered with times I have experience rejection and stress of many kinds.
Final healing is not possible with incomplete relationships still in your life. Completing those relationships may not be a long or difficult ordeal but it does need to be done.
Pressing on.
One of the exercises is a grief timeline, which I did a few days ago. A second exercise could be called completing relationship.
As grieving people explore their grief timeline they may be surprised at how often they have been struck by grief. It will not only be about the death of people they love but a lot of other stressful, grieving situations.
Let's see there could be divorce, rejection, business failure and moves away from friends and family.
My discovery is that grief is multi-layered. As sharp and painful as Faye's death has been it is layered with times I have experience rejection and stress of many kinds.
Final healing is not possible with incomplete relationships still in your life. Completing those relationships may not be a long or difficult ordeal but it does need to be done.
Pressing on.
Tuesday, August 28, 2018
Good news and bad news
The good news is the fact that I'm well past the initial shock of finding Faye dead one morning.
It was immensely shocking to find my health-obsessed bundle of energy gone, just like that. I was numb for the longest time.
The bad news is that shock is an anaesthetic. It literally left numb and somewhat beyond pain. With the passing of shock I've lost that anaesthetic. And that means a whole new type of pain.
Now I have the ongoing pain of rebuilding my life without Faye. I'll make it. I know I'll make. God is with me and He is sufficient. I say that with absolute confidence.
However I have the ongoing labor of healing ahead. That doesn't just mean getting past the sorrow. I will. But it also means living without the person who helped me keep my household and my life together.
Faye did so much for us. Now I have to do it alone.
Not alone, because God is with me. But, still, alone.
Pressing on.
It was immensely shocking to find my health-obsessed bundle of energy gone, just like that. I was numb for the longest time.
The bad news is that shock is an anaesthetic. It literally left numb and somewhat beyond pain. With the passing of shock I've lost that anaesthetic. And that means a whole new type of pain.
Now I have the ongoing pain of rebuilding my life without Faye. I'll make it. I know I'll make. God is with me and He is sufficient. I say that with absolute confidence.
However I have the ongoing labor of healing ahead. That doesn't just mean getting past the sorrow. I will. But it also means living without the person who helped me keep my household and my life together.
Faye did so much for us. Now I have to do it alone.
Not alone, because God is with me. But, still, alone.
Pressing on.
Monday, August 27, 2018
The little things
As time passes, I'm finding the little things are what I miss the most about Faye.
I mean those little, quite trivial, conversations we would have. For instance mentioning the unusually heavy traffic I encountered while driving. Or talking about the sermon as we drive home from church, or that mutual acquaintance I find difficult to like.
None of these things are significant but there is nobody else I can talk to about these things. Some of them are private, things I would talk about only to my wife. Some of them are just to trivial to talk about with others.
I miss pushing Faye to get ready for church on time. Oddly, enough I find myself leaving too late now.
I miss brief conversations about family.
There is no replacement for Faye for these things. I miss her.
I mean those little, quite trivial, conversations we would have. For instance mentioning the unusually heavy traffic I encountered while driving. Or talking about the sermon as we drive home from church, or that mutual acquaintance I find difficult to like.
None of these things are significant but there is nobody else I can talk to about these things. Some of them are private, things I would talk about only to my wife. Some of them are just to trivial to talk about with others.
I miss pushing Faye to get ready for church on time. Oddly, enough I find myself leaving too late now.
I miss brief conversations about family.
There is no replacement for Faye for these things. I miss her.
Friday, August 24, 2018
A word of explanation
Please don't take this blog of evidence that I'm suffering or brooding. I'm talking as honestly as I can about grief and recovery and about Faye.
This is something I'm doing very deliberately and fore thought. It is being written with healing in mind and it is helpful.
In time I plan to turn this into a book which I honestly believe will be helpful to others.
By the way my worst days now are better than my best days were six months.
God's grace is wonderful.
This is something I'm doing very deliberately and fore thought. It is being written with healing in mind and it is helpful.
In time I plan to turn this into a book which I honestly believe will be helpful to others.
By the way my worst days now are better than my best days were six months.
God's grace is wonderful.
Thursday, August 23, 2018
Remembering her smile
I always said my Faye had the most beautiful smile in the world and I meant it. Her smile was beautiful because it was real, it was sincere, it involved her whole sweet face and it revealed her heart.
I've been thinking about Faye's smile--in a fond way, not a sad way--since listening to a song by Enya called Remember Your Smile.
As I was thinking about that beautiful song I felt God let me know that, even as I remember my Queen, He will give me new and fresh joys again. Healing is coming.
Pressing on.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)