The good news is the fact that I'm well past the initial shock of finding Faye dead one morning.
It was immensely shocking to find my health-obsessed bundle of energy gone, just like that. I was numb for the longest time.
The bad news is that shock is an anaesthetic. It literally left numb and somewhat beyond pain. With the passing of shock I've lost that anaesthetic. And that means a whole new type of pain.
Now I have the ongoing pain of rebuilding my life without Faye. I'll make it. I know I'll make. God is with me and He is sufficient. I say that with absolute confidence.
However I have the ongoing labor of healing ahead. That doesn't just mean getting past the sorrow. I will. But it also means living without the person who helped me keep my household and my life together.
Faye did so much for us. Now I have to do it alone.
Not alone, because God is with me. But, still, alone.
Pressing on.
Tuesday, August 28, 2018
Monday, August 27, 2018
The little things
As time passes, I'm finding the little things are what I miss the most about Faye.
I mean those little, quite trivial, conversations we would have. For instance mentioning the unusually heavy traffic I encountered while driving. Or talking about the sermon as we drive home from church, or that mutual acquaintance I find difficult to like.
None of these things are significant but there is nobody else I can talk to about these things. Some of them are private, things I would talk about only to my wife. Some of them are just to trivial to talk about with others.
I miss pushing Faye to get ready for church on time. Oddly, enough I find myself leaving too late now.
I miss brief conversations about family.
There is no replacement for Faye for these things. I miss her.
I mean those little, quite trivial, conversations we would have. For instance mentioning the unusually heavy traffic I encountered while driving. Or talking about the sermon as we drive home from church, or that mutual acquaintance I find difficult to like.
None of these things are significant but there is nobody else I can talk to about these things. Some of them are private, things I would talk about only to my wife. Some of them are just to trivial to talk about with others.
I miss pushing Faye to get ready for church on time. Oddly, enough I find myself leaving too late now.
I miss brief conversations about family.
There is no replacement for Faye for these things. I miss her.
Friday, August 24, 2018
A word of explanation
Please don't take this blog of evidence that I'm suffering or brooding. I'm talking as honestly as I can about grief and recovery and about Faye.
This is something I'm doing very deliberately and fore thought. It is being written with healing in mind and it is helpful.
In time I plan to turn this into a book which I honestly believe will be helpful to others.
By the way my worst days now are better than my best days were six months.
God's grace is wonderful.
This is something I'm doing very deliberately and fore thought. It is being written with healing in mind and it is helpful.
In time I plan to turn this into a book which I honestly believe will be helpful to others.
By the way my worst days now are better than my best days were six months.
God's grace is wonderful.
Thursday, August 23, 2018
Remembering her smile
I always said my Faye had the most beautiful smile in the world and I meant it. Her smile was beautiful because it was real, it was sincere, it involved her whole sweet face and it revealed her heart.
I've been thinking about Faye's smile--in a fond way, not a sad way--since listening to a song by Enya called Remember Your Smile.
As I was thinking about that beautiful song I felt God let me know that, even as I remember my Queen, He will give me new and fresh joys again. Healing is coming.
Pressing on.
Wednesday, August 22, 2018
Grief timeline
One of the exercises in the Grief Recovery Handbook is to map out a grief timeline from birth until today.
I was to include everything that would cause grief or serious emotional disruption. I did that today.
Good grief. I didn't realize the amount of grief I've experienced. As I look back there's been a lot. Even as I say I'm sure there is nothing unusual in my life in that aspect but my father died in 1960, my Mom died in 2007. Coworkers and friends died in the next few years after that. And my Faye died this year.
Since then I've had another friend and two other friends become seriously ill with cancer. That doesn't include the disruption of moves and the poverty of growing up in a single parent home.
Every one of those events left a mark on my soul. But I don't feel sorry for myself because in the process I've found that people are resilient and strong. I've made it through that stuff and I will make it through this.
God is with me. I know that. He will be with me now as He was with me throughout my life.
Thank you, Lord, for your ongoing presence and grace.
I was to include everything that would cause grief or serious emotional disruption. I did that today.
Good grief. I didn't realize the amount of grief I've experienced. As I look back there's been a lot. Even as I say I'm sure there is nothing unusual in my life in that aspect but my father died in 1960, my Mom died in 2007. Coworkers and friends died in the next few years after that. And my Faye died this year.
Since then I've had another friend and two other friends become seriously ill with cancer. That doesn't include the disruption of moves and the poverty of growing up in a single parent home.
Every one of those events left a mark on my soul. But I don't feel sorry for myself because in the process I've found that people are resilient and strong. I've made it through that stuff and I will make it through this.
God is with me. I know that. He will be with me now as He was with me throughout my life.
Thank you, Lord, for your ongoing presence and grace.
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
Temporary energy restorers
Part of the process of grieving is to turn to temporary energy relief.
Some of them are food, alcohol, busy-ness, exercise and retail therapy.
I certainly haven't slipped into busy-ness and alcohol hasn't been a factor. To be honest, it maybe was, very briefly, but that's entirely out of my system.
But food, yes. I know how to eat properly. I know what my body responds to but sometimes I just don't care so I shove food into my face my body doesn't need and I might not even like. But there still are times I just don't care. So I eat stupidly.
Retail therapy--somewhat, mostly in the area of book purchases. Faye didn't like me buying as many books as I liked to buy. So I've spent a lot of time in bookstores over the last seven months. That's slowed down as well.
Exercise? Maybe. I've hired a personal trainer who pushes me hard. I've mostly done this for the sake of my fitness but whenever I see my trainer I know I will have an hour when I don't think about one single thing apart from my next rep.
Yes, temporary energy relievers are a reality. I know that. But I also know they're know they are only temporary.
Pressing on.
Some of them are food, alcohol, busy-ness, exercise and retail therapy.
I certainly haven't slipped into busy-ness and alcohol hasn't been a factor. To be honest, it maybe was, very briefly, but that's entirely out of my system.
But food, yes. I know how to eat properly. I know what my body responds to but sometimes I just don't care so I shove food into my face my body doesn't need and I might not even like. But there still are times I just don't care. So I eat stupidly.
Retail therapy--somewhat, mostly in the area of book purchases. Faye didn't like me buying as many books as I liked to buy. So I've spent a lot of time in bookstores over the last seven months. That's slowed down as well.
Exercise? Maybe. I've hired a personal trainer who pushes me hard. I've mostly done this for the sake of my fitness but whenever I see my trainer I know I will have an hour when I don't think about one single thing apart from my next rep.
Yes, temporary energy relievers are a reality. I know that. But I also know they're know they are only temporary.
Pressing on.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)